Between Order and Randomness

I keep wondering how so many things can happen in less than a year. Amazing, marvelous work of the Lord!

I'm thankful for many things, yet at the same time, burdened. But for now, instead of trying to mend whatever that is left broken of me in such scurry, I shall be still. Till then, there's nothing to be disclosed. Till then, everything is a blur.

The others are temporarily kept at the back of my mind. Because even my heart can take no more.

Something I Can Never Have.

Fatigue is the new medicine.

Christmas, the astounding and marvelous occasion which holds the meaning of love, joy, and peace. How simple, yet obscure to those who are lost. The spirit and joy of sharing, giving, loving... all fading away with each passing year, replaced by secular concepts. But the friends are still there, families maybe, and most importantly, having Christ as the center of our focus and emphasis.

Spending half the day at Vivo was more than fulfilling, because I get to spend time with people I love and at the same time, make them realise their importance. That's what really matters, no? Showing love to those you love before time runs out. We keep thinking it never will, but the truth is time always runs out before we even notice.

Anyway, I hope Nat really enjoyed herself today! I think Jia Ai and I both enjoyed ourselves too haha! Ohhh yeah, the pictures. Bwahaha another time, SOON. :D

You know, it never lasts. That feeling, which so often crowds into my mind so easily. I start to wonder if that's even bona fide. And the time which is slowly ticking away is giving me a clearer answer with each passing second. Deception. Either that, or it's genuine... but I can never have it.

"And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be or lose that person completely.

Because sometimes you have to step outside the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."

Somewhere a Clock is Ticking

"Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away.. and in the end.. there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometime we lose them there again."

Sometimes I wanna go back to that very moment, sometimes I just wanna move on. But at the end of the day, all we want is just to immerse ourselves in those elated moments again, and know how it feels to be... happy. But they say happiness never lasts. This, we all grow to learn.


Sentosa outing today wasn't too bad, and thank God it didn't rain for the most part. But you know that weird feeling that keeps pulling your heartstrings and refuse to dissipate? Yeah, emptiness. It doesn't matter because nobody knows. It doesn't matter because I still look happy, I still try to be. It doesn't even matter because, even if I expose myself, nobody can change anything, or nothing. But it sure brings back memories, it brings back hopes and dreams and expectations, and it brings back disappointments. It's probably inevitable, a part of life. At times like these I keep reminding myself, to cling on to my Lord.

It will all come to pass. I just await the day I'll look back and laugh at my stupidity. Haha.


Okay and now, not to forget....

HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY,
NATALIE HO a.k.a. THE PURPLE DINOSAUR!

It's 4 more mins to the end of your birthDAY, but the beginning of another year for you. I'm sure it has been tough on you this year, just like many, experiencing the ups and downs of the JC life. BUT, don't fret because 10 years down the road, you'll look back and realise that this is a tiny weeny part of your entire life ahead! And so all the pain and stress you're going through now shouldn't hinder you from creating beautiful memories for yourself. Oh and yeah, the academic part. That's really dampening BUT know what, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger hahaha! Okok anyway, I'm more than thankful for a friend like you because you laugh with me when nobody else does, at least in this horrible class filled with horrible babis like *cough cough* JA and ARVS and sometimes meanie Deaf Knee and fierce Pling and retarded Josiah. HAHA. And I love your spastic moments, honest. I'll keep it short because SHORT is COOL, but just love you for who are. I pray you'll have a blessed year ahead and for the many years to come! Blessed 17th :}

LET THE REIGNS GO LOOSE

"Oliver Wendell Holmes once said: Many people die with their music still IN them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live...Before they know it...time runs out."

People like me never get it, and people like you don't care.

It's a scary, intricate process when you push others beyond their limit to the point of no return. They may turn cold, bitter, ruthless, and defensive, even hostile. But at the end of the day it's all because of you, in spite of all denial. When that time comes, and the severity dawns upon you, it's too late because after trying so hard to be someone else, it's almost impervious to be themselves all over again. You might not comprehend, but the guilt remains forever. It may fade with time, but it's still there. It takes eternity to compensate.

We Might As Well Be Strangers.

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear.

That tinge of sadness you recognise that it will never last, no matter how happy you are whilst living in that moment. Then it all comes back to you, you are just one of the many people appearing in another's life. You are not making a difference, as much as you want to. It's kinda sad, really.

I'm as ordinary as anyone else can be, what makes me think I'm special?

I'm special, only in God's eyes. But that should be more than sufficient. It ought to be.

Burning Hearts and Late Night Biscuits.

Monday. I was more than an hour late haha, and it was really embarrassing because almost everyone knew that. I was still sleeping when Tabby called me! Haha, good thing there's Nadia and she was late too heehee. So anyway, the first day everything was alright, but the message was really worth reflecting upon. To Be in Christ is to Burn for Christ. Timely reminder.

Tuesday. The younger ones in my dorm woke up so much earlier than I did when they slept so much later. And apparently Mags, Charmaine, Ashley and a few of the older ones didn't sleep that well because they were making so much noise. Haha, well kids being kids. Anywayyyy, Ashley told me I fell asleep as soon as the lights went out and slept like a log all the way till I woke up the next morning. And I was the last to wake up hahaha. Thank God for the undisturbed rest! :D The 2nd message was to Grow in Christ to Burn for Christ. It was a really great message, because it kinda woke me up with painful realisations, and made up my mind to consecrate my life to the Lord once again. Okay anyway, it was this day I'm officially known as Mulan thanks to Nadia. Now everyone's calling me Mulan, simply because they THINK i'm guyish, which hmm isn't true at all. Haha weird people, what else can I say haha! Anyway, we went for prayer meeting at night and had Dorm D proper after that, which was gratifying. It is unbelievable how the kids could touch my heart so much with such their earnest, truthful thoughts and confessions. Really encouraging.

Wednesday. The message was Walk with Christians to Burn for Christ, which mainly focuses on the importance of fellowship and encouraging each other with Christ as the center of our conversation and various activities. But I guess the two highlights of the day for me and many others were the Love in Action Workshop, as well as the Night Games. We watched this video on how this guy was so gracious, loving, and forgiving towards his good friend whom he has been helping all along, but in the end killed his daughter in a hit-and-run car accident. Truly, it wouldn't have been possible without God's grace and power. You know, even as Christians, who can confidently say of the assurance to forgive someone whom has hurt us thoroughly? But we can, because we have God and the Holy Spirit in us. Okay anyway, after this workshop which involves many other small games and one of which required us to paint each other's faces, Nadia and I went to the 4th floor toilet to clean up. It was a really good thing that we did because through this, God helped us to open up and we got to know each other on a deeper level. I'm quite sure the we never apprehended us to be this close because all along, we thought we knew each other when the fact is, we didn't. But I sincerely thank God for this opportunity we had that day to share with one another, and learn things we never knew before. It brought joy into my heart because finally, I think someone understands a part of me I never dared to share. I thank God with all my heart :) Yep and Night Games- Peter's Walk- really struck me and made me meditate on God's word and contemplate over how sinful and estranged I've been in my walk with Him this whole year. My heart sobbed, just as how Peter did after denying Christ. I finally understood the wrong I've done was so similar to what Peter did, and I'm in no right to judge his flaws because I'm just the same as he is, or even worse. Can you imagine how God could love sinners like us, so filthy and repulsive? So much so that He even washed the feet of His disciples. I finally felt how undeserving I am that very night.

Thursday. The last message was, To Live for Christ is to Burn for Christ. Short and sweet. Obeying Christ is a part of loving Him, and by living the Christian life as much as we don't want to, is the only way to have a burning heart for God. It doesn't work the other way. So anyway, we went caroling at the LK home for elderly, and it was a wholesome experience because we went in the name of the Lord. After that, we got back to church and started the wet games, which obviously include water bombs. Haha, it was this day too that I got to know many of the kids so much more! I mean of course, I did talk to them the past few days but on a personal level, not really. So this day, I did and trust me, I felt the happiest I've ever been for months! Christine and Jamie Tan are really cute, heehee and everytime Christine smiles my heart just goes awwww. Haha and I think I expressed this feeling to so many of them they are calling me a phedophile! HAHA but who cares right. Anyway Mags H had to lend Christine her shorts because she didn't have an appropriate one for water games, and even though Mags is so skinny, her shorts were still too loose for Christine so she had to wear double pants! HAHA, then we went down and Christine said she needed to go to the toilet and we burst out laughing again. How cute heh!! Anywayyyy, it was the last night so after dinner where there were so much savory food, we had Special Night where the photo montage by Charles was shown, testimonies were shared, and everyone undoubtedly reflected on what they learn through this camp. It was edifying I shall say, and I know I did learn a lot. From people, from myself, from the camp, through God's word and prompting. Truth be told, I didn't want to go at first, for various reasons. But I thank God I did. Yup, so btw Nadia shared her testimony for the first time, and I thank God for that. We sang Thank You Lord twice, the second time requested by Nadia. It was partly because we were talking about it before she went up to share her testimony, about how this song actually holds a different meaning for us this year. It is surprising how we always sing this song, but this year, it touched our hearts incommunicable ways. She had to go home to catch a flight to Chiang Rai the next day, so I walked her out to get a cab with Timo and Chris. Hmm, then I joined the rest at room 1-6. There was Ashley, Joanne, Jaime Lau, Jaime Tan, Marc, Zech, Nicholas, Timo and others and haha, we were all singing hymns that feeling was great. BUT, even after 2hrs they didn't stop and Ashley and I were so tired and our throats were gonna crack we went up to our dorm. The kids weren't asleep and we started entertaining them even though we were all so gonna collapse from fatigue. Haha but I didn't regret it the least bit because... they were all so cute in their own ways, and really LOL hilarious! Ashley, Jaime and I decided to make them play charades, because that way, we could just watch them act and not do anything LOL. I can't find words to describe how fun it was, but I'm so glad for such an experience with them. Memorable. Okay then at 3 going 4am, they were hungry so Ashley and I sneaked pau and small flower biscuits up for them and they gobbled them up in no time. Haha little goblins! Okay don't make sense heehee. Yeah anyway, Christine slept beside me on the last night and before sleeping we had pillow talk, which according to Ashley was cute bwahaha! Good thing for Christine, she's a heavy sleeper and so was I (a.k.a LOG by Ashley HAHA!) so, no qualms about us sleeping side by side!

Even though I didn't manage to spend time with Tab Lee, I'm glad I came. It makes me want to cherish the time we can spend together in future even more. And I'm thankful I was able to talk to Rachel in so many occasions during the camp because we hardly have time to catch up during the normal days. And singing carols with her was really pleasant. Getting to catch up with the others made me really contented too. Yeah there's so many other little things which made me really happy but I'm so tired right now I shall stop. Some things are precious only when kept in the heart xoxo!

I really thank God for these five days, it was simply unforgettable.

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:32

You Gotta Go There to Come Back.

Liberating, when you know what you wanna do, where you're heading to.

Otherwise, it's all just a mess. When your mind can't think and your heart is confused, you know you are lost. Just pause for a moment, take a deep breath, and continue walking. It might seem tough, but every mistake is a lesson. You'll see.

Because the most important decisions in life were never easy.

On One Tree Hill(warning: boring if you don't watch OTH heh :} ) :

Okay after watching a few more episodes of OTH, I can't help being so mad at Lucas for being such a fickle ass. HAHA grrrr why Lucas why. I was so smitten with him for the first few epis, and nowwww... :( Hmmm maybe after another few more episodes I'll have different thoughts about it again and start liking him as much as I do again just like I did at first. Like I said in my tumblr, it's a tough nut to crack for the three people in a love triangle(Peyton, Lucas, Brooke). But poor Brooke :( And yeah the human mind is fickle, remember when I said I didn't like Nathan...? Haha that's not true anymore teeheehee! I like him with Haley! They are really sweet together. No dilemmas, no third parties, no betrayal. Just pure sweet love. :)

Somewhere along the road we stray off the path.

Maybe it's true that no one person can understand another pefectly and completely. There's bound to be times you gotta suffer alone, and that pain, nobody understands.

I'm so sick and tired of explaining myself. I'm so tired of constantly holding on to someone. I'm so tired of reaching out to others. I'm so tired of hoping and wishing and dreaming. I'm so tired even to face reality. But worst of all, I'm too tired to make up lies to make myself feel better about every harsh situation I'm experiencing. I'm tired of being tired.

When we look back on our life, what will it be like?
I feel like I'm blindly searching for that very one thing.

Okay. Immediately after I blogged, I watched another episode of One Tree Hill and guess what, I think Brooke is lovely haha! I want her to end up with Lucas bwahaha.

Okay bye bye, back to OTH. :}

Every Night Is Another Story.

"As happens sometimes in moments settled and hover and remained. For much more than a moment. And sound stopped, and movement stopped. For much much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone."

How a moment so beautiful and indelible can always seem to be gone the next. It has always been the case. One night you can feel like the happiest girl on earth, literally jumping for the moon, and the next day you feel stupid, because in the end it just becomes your imagined memory, only etched to your mind and nothing makes sense.

I'm starting to love One Tree Hill. And Lucas is totally the bomb, he's really probably the sweetest. Dream guy okay, haha. Hmm, Peyton's so sophisicated and Haley is so nice and Brooke's so pretty but sure as freak so bitchy in the show, and I don't like Nathan heehee. Okay maybe just not yet, since he's really childish and mean towards Lucas. Oh wait, I'm only in Season 1 LOL. Haha, but whatever, right now I'm just so feeling cranky over the fact I don't have time even during hols. I think this is perhaps my busiest holiday :(

So anyway, I was so burn out yesterday night. Record-breaker, 16 hours. My feet were so numb I thought I was gonna lose them. Seriously, the hotel line is so different from that of my dreams, and so expected of the world. The working circle, so hypocritical. Given a choice, I would still work towards that direction, but never as the front line. It's a strict no-no for me. And that's not what I want anyway, just saying. :)

But in any case, I'm just glad there's Jia Ai! Thank you babe.

THE PLACES YOU HAVE COME TO FEAR THE MOST.

"John Steinbeck once wrote; 'It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure on the world.'"

The morrow will be a whole new episode for me. Daunting, but nevertheless I'm anticipating it. We really should take every moment of our life, and live it out loud. You know, there's never gonna be an exact repetition of the opportunities we'd missed in this life.

Game On.

True colours.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight. And never stop fighting."

Once upon a time can happen any time.

I can be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel all alone.

I've always loved fairytales and happy endings. Maybe that's because I find them so rare in reality, almost... impossible. If only A Cinderella Story is the story of my life. Loyal, unbelivably great friends, warm family, true love, splendid moments and unforgettable experiences all together. No matter how tough life gets, I'll be able to face it with constantly renewed strength, stay hopeful, and look at the good of people. If only. Maybe.

But I'm not gonna place my hope in nothingness and fantasies. I'm hoping in the Lord, my Lord. Because if that's the plan I think is best for myself, God's plan for me far exceeds that. Majestic, astounding, the best.

At least for now, I know I have great friends. Not many, but those few very, treasured friends I have. I'm blessed. :)

Austin: You need a wax.
Sam: Excuse me?
Austin: [laughs] I meant the car

HAHA! Just to end off with something funny heehee (like what JA said in one of her posts;) )

Break a leg.

All is said and done, I just wanna thank God for the good weather, for Lynn and my safety before, during, and after the run, as well as helping us complete 21.1km in 3hours considering how both of us never ran more than 10km before :)

Haha I wanted to say a whole lot more I'm really drained now, and there's training(AND training which I totally forgot!! :() tomorrow which just means I gotta sleep early. More details on tumblr teehee! But in a nutshell, I'm so glad I was running with Lynn Toh the Rubbish Woman. Haha seriously, she contributed to 90% of the fun I had during the run. Thanks so much girl, though I doubt you'd be reading this here but yeahhhhh love you!

We were supposed to go out after the Stand Chart Run but "due to circumstances"(HAHA) we had a total change of plans. Haha so in the end I went for lunch with my church friends at guess where- yes Thai Express AGAIN. Haha on a side note, Ryan was hilarious! Okay btw JA if you're reading this, I'm gonna save money from tomorrow(today-since it's past 12am heeheehee) onwards promise lol lol lol (your favourite -.-)

The fact that their attitudes vary towards person to person, judging and building ties based on superficial attributes disgust me to the core. I'm sorry but I thought you were different. It's always better to look at the irreproachable side of a person, but what happens when that just gives you one more chance to feel disconcerted in the existence of compassion because you realise they are totally far from that? It's mediocre. Why do people always think of themselves first? Even perhaps, the friends around us. I don't dare say I'm not one of them, because man is after all, sinful. I just don't want to be part of this group of uncaring, fake human race. And I know with God will empower me to the right things, simply because God is love. While these people, just want love without knowing or wanting to love.

To love or to be loved? Someone asked me this last night. Just a simple question, but it evoked thoughts from the past. I discovered for myself, it is happier to be loved -perhaps the happiest feeling in the world- but more blessed to love. But then again, who wouldn't want to be loved?

What do you want most in your life right now? Answers, maybe.

Stay away from all that remove God's first place in your heart.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It's yours."
-Ayn Rand, from Atlas Shrugged

Our hearts' desire.

Tonight, I say we just get out of this town
Lets go to Seattle, watch rain fall to the ground
And on our tongues "I love you's" run into each other
But could I really trust her?

She said,"Hey baby baby boy, why you always look so sad?
You got the whole world in the palm of your hand."
But it don't mean a thing if you're not next to me.
I'm so sick, so sick of just always dreaming.

Cereal Killers had dinner together at Javier's tonight. And for once in a long while, we were finally able to gather and be ourselves. No worries, no stress, no defence. Just a simple, casual, heart-warming dinner with spastic jokes and comfortable awkwardness. It does make sense, trust me. I love how Pling is so fiercely cute and easy-going, how JA is so hilarious and wonderfully cliche, how Daph is so retarded and sweet, how Nat is so true and spastic. I love how I love them.

There's so much to be said. But more on that when I upload the pictures (I promised them "die die by tomorrow") teehee! Btw, cab ride back with Daphne the Dolphin (totally random) was enjoyable as always. I will make sure this won't be the last :)

Can't wait to see Jia Ai on Sat and I hope everything else goes well for the coming weeks ahead!

Adios.

How long before I come to you, my dearest, lovely Spain?

It all starts at the library.

Let's fly the time machine back to several months ago.

The day Jia Ai was absent, the day Ping Ling, Natalie, and I walked into the library occupied with both the J1s and J2s, with no free tables for us to sit down and slack, was the day we met Daphne.

What a pretty girl. We all must have secretly thought deep down our hearts. And maybe that's what formed our first impression of her- cold and unapproachable. How wrong I was. I never expected us to turn out being such great friends, honestly. But now that we are, despite all difficulties and lack of opportunities for us to gather and have hthts, I thank God with all my heart.

Others call it fate that we became friends at the library. I say it's God's plan. I don't think I would ever forget, or want to forget, how happy you made all of us then with surprising lame jokes that come out from your mouth, or act cute expressions which totally don't fit your gentle ladylike face. Haha, I miss that so much.

Today marks the last day of our J1 year. I thought I'd experience feelings of sorrow and a tinge of melancholy, but the school day was so normal that I cannot bring myself to register this very fact that next year things will all be so different. There are definitely the good and bad, but I can safely say the bad would definitely be the friends I'll miss so much. Daphne, things will be really different without you. I can understand her p.o.v and so no hard feelings about her abscence for this whole week, just perhaps, that emptiness when you miss someone so much. I'm thankful for Jia Ai, because otherwise I couldn't imagine what would be left of me in SA. Without Jia Ai, without Daphne, without Nat's bubbly and same-wavelength-kind-of-humour-as-mag, without Pling, it wouldn't be the same, no. But in spite of all of that, I have to admit, finally, that we are really not that close after all. The Cereal Killers. Reality bites, I know. Sadly.

But I can't silence the fact that Daph and JA have changed me so much in ways I never knew. Even though I spend much lesser time with Daphne than perhaps even Nat, the times we had together-even those few times- were priceless to me and gold-like. The things she say always has the ability to make me reflect, cry, learn. As for Jia Ai, it's the littlest things to the most important experiences that shape me to become more sensitive, more mature, and more insightful. Although there are probably countless times conflicts arise between us and we start to have mini cold wars and mutual misunderstandings, I thank God for always resolving them in the end. And each conflict always teaches me a lesson, of course, not before breaking me down into humble little pieces. She makes me real sad and maddened sometimes just like how I think I unknowingly annoy her at times, but for the most, she makes up most of my happy memories in SA. So the two of you, if for the past year, I've said or done hurtful things that keep coming back upon remembering, I'm sorry. That was never my intention.

God knows how many times I stand in awe of the fact that I've grown to be so reliant on them the past year. It was so different from what I promised myself at the start of the year- to not trust anyone completely because this way, the probability that I'd get hurt would be reduced to the lowest. I failed. But I'm happy I did, because in return, I earned wonderful, lovely friends like them. Thank God.

Only after reading certain text messages, that I really felt waves of emotions. I hate to have regrets, but I regret not being a better classmate or friend to some people. I regret not giving my all to make this half of our JC journey more memorable.

The will of God can never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you.

Worlds Apart.

Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, that person just can't love you back the way you want him/her to, and you just gotta accept that.

It's already November in the blink of an eye, and soon it'll turn into December, the most romantic month of the year in my eyes. The Christmas season which is supposedly filled with love, joy and hope, always keeps me eagerly awaiting. No matter how bleak our situation may be, I believe our hearts will be warmed when we immerse ourselves in such a joyous occasion. But it also at this point of time, we start reflecting on the whole year, and struggle with the regrets and wrong choices we made, having to face our painful mistakes. But above all, praise God for such a special and in my case, different year. This year brought me many spectacular experiences and taught me many ineffaceable lessons. Remarkable ones. But more about that later.

Today's a very special day. It simply holds so much memories for me. Too much for my own good. I keep saying "that's okay", maybe even if I don't genuinely agree with myself, but that's the only thing I can do; to accept the truth and move on. A continuous process I have to go through, because it's easier said than done to just pretend nothing ever happened. That is, on my part. But like I said, it's okay, because I know God must have His own reason for allowing these feelings I face. If it is His will for me to close this small chapter of my life, He'll allow it to come to pass in time.

I know I keep saying it's over, but reality is after all, a separate thing altogether from my heart. This heart of mine, which keeps beating with a rhythm different from that of the world I'm living in. I need time for my heart to register the truth I've been facing and hiding from at the same time.

We are worlds apart, and I used to think that's what makes us special. Haha, so I guess the heart makes wrong decisions too.

When tears don't help anymore.

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm so hateful.

I know exactly how important and sacrificial you are, and how I need to cherish every living moment with you because I'm only left with you in this cruel and deluding family... yet I've grown to become the disgusting kind of person I hate over the years. I despise myself for that. I keep telling myself to change, but I'm unsure of how to. I keep trying to find excuses to defend myself, but at the end of the day I wonder how different I actually am from those people if I continue to behave this way. And because I'm really sorry, it seems even more difficult to utter that five letter word. And when I do, I don't have confidence that it'll make you feel any better. My contrite heart can no longer deceive myself into believing I'm the goody two shoes I might have once been, but not anymore. I've changed. And for that I'm repulsed.

I know what's done cannot be changed, but from here onwards, I promise to make an effort. A greater effort to do what I'm supposed to, and to forget that which is an obstacle to a renewed life.

Good thing I have God, my Father and Saviour. No amount of gratitude can repay Him for my salvation, or His forgiveness towards me. The past weeks and months have been testing. An emotional wreck, drained, weary, and faithless, I'm not proud of it at all. I just hope one day, soon, I can look past all these and start becoming a better person, worthy of being loved.

I've hurt the people around me who truly love and care for me. I'm been so oblivious to the wounds I inflict on them time and time again, focusing only on my pain, my joy, my predicaments. Insensitive and selfish, yet so eager for love and understanding. I am, in my own eyes, in fact the worst creature on earth.

God forgive me, I'm been so unlovable and bitter.

You know what hurts me more than my own pain? When I see the grief and torment I impose on the people I love the most. When I know I have hurt them without being brave to acknowledge it. When I fail to recognise they are hurting more than I am. When I return their love for me with an absent and unbearable attitude. This rips me apart more than anything else. I rather be afflicted by someone else than to cause one's torment. Especially the ones I love.

Really, sorry.

Breakthrough

LA FLAMME EST
RESTEE SUR LA TERRE.

DE LA BOUE ET DE LA ROSEE.

ET NOUS VOICI
PLUS BAS ET PLUS HAUT
QUE JAMAIS.

NOCTURNE ET EN HORREUR A FLAMBE LE CHARGRIN

LES CENDRES ONT FLEURI

EN JOIE ET EN BEAUTE

NOUS TOURNONS TOUJOURS

LE DOS AU COUCHANT

LE MIROIR


Inevitably, it all boils down to this.

Just this last time, one more time.

Barriers.

Well I don't know how to say this right
And the words got me choking
I keep hitting this wall
It's never gonna fall
And we're still broken

This mountain we've been trying to climb
It's never ending
Just can't do nothing, gotta do something
Cause if we don't open up our eyes
We're just pretending

Well there's a time for giving up
Didn't wanna have to say it
All we're doing is building walls
And now there's too many barriers

After yesterday, I give up.

All these years of bearing with it, shoving it aside, pretending... the pain and bitterness that accumulate to become such a strong wall of defence and caution, made me realise how resentful I've been. But up till today, that's okay. Because I thought I had the support of the people I care and trust, and that they'll be going through it all with me. I was absolutely wrong.

Even though for countless times I was disappointed, but I kept believing that they will be there for me if ever I need them. But it was just wishful thinking on my part. You heard about one sided love? Well, this isn't it. But it's a one sided friendship. My bad.

I should have learnt my lesson long ago. Man is after all, man. The faithfulness of God should have kept me from faltering, from trusting in the wrong things and people. But I guess I was too blind. Now, I hope it's not too late. I want to surrender, but this time, only to God. My God.

I never should have opened my heart to them. And, I won't ever open my heart to others so easily anymore.

It was so painful.

When the night falls.

Yesterday, all of us were in pain.

For many of us, our Promos results were the cause of it. For some of us, it's the near future that holds us in uncertainty and despondency.

Everyone is weary and exhausted. Tired, broken, lost. I don't think anyone will know exactly how I feel at that point of time, and for the hours after that. Wretched. Because yes, sometimes it's unavoidable. You are desperate for someone to be there for you always, but we all have to deal with different situations and sometimes nobody can be at that exact place at that exact time when you are breaking down. Friendship problems don't do anything to lessen the burden, but because it matters to us, we fight to stay even stronger. Truth be told, I wanted to disappear momentarily, immediately. Problems never stop coming our way, and just when I thought all was well, I was thrown with another. But that's life, and I want to give my all so that I won't live to regret.. even if things don't turn out the way I want to. Then again, I'm really... tired.

I thank God for what you did for me. I was speechless, but so thankful.

"Don't cry yourself to sleep."
"No I won't"
Because I'm already too tired... I was done hours ago.

It pains me to see the people around me feeling so dejected and heartbroken, and the worst part is not being able to do anything. A friend told me, just being there, is really more than enough for some people. I certainly hope so. I can't show how much it affects me that they are not doing well, how worried I am for them, because I'm afraid it just make them feel worse. I just hope they will face these challenges with greater courage and undying fighting spirit, and in the course of life's ups and downs, grow stronger. It won't be easy, no matter which stage in life we are in, but I'll support them with all my heart.

"Don’t be discouraged by a failure. It can be a positive experience.
Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, in as much as every discovery of
what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh
experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully
avoid."
— John Keats

This is my earnest thoughts to the three of them. And I'm just so proud of them for holding on no matter how disheartened they are.

I don't know what next year would be like, but I trust in God's providence. I thank God with all my heart, because behind all the blessings, I know I'm not worthy.

And hey, no matter what, you are my most cherished treasure in SA ;) I can't forget to include the Cereal Killers as well, can I? No, I can't.

Stay strong, all of us!

PS, Daphne, I know you are feeling really lost right now. Give us time, we will do our best to brighten up the path ahead of you and let you realise the wonderful things life holds for you in the near future. Don't lose hope in staying happy, you are more than the results this time round, you are Daphne. :)

Plastic.

All the words and smiles and actions, what are they?

I don't know what to feel about this class, I don't know how to act around them. I don't know what to believe anymore.

Even, the friends.

But maybe like someone said before, we expect that much from the people we love because we are prepared to give that much.

I just hate knowing that all these could just be a facade after all. I'm afraid behind all the affectionate gestures lies distrust and contempt. One day...if you realise I don't live up to your standards, would you please tell me and stop pretending you don't mind and love me all the same? Even if that breaks your heart as a gracious person with kind words. No, really. These are heartfelt words, not sarcasm. Because yes, the truth always hurt, but deception always hurt more. Nope, not intended to anyone in particular.. but just a genuine thought.

I sincerely hope I'm peculiar in a positive way, if ever I am.

I'm grateful for the friends who love me at my worst, truly. And I know they are God's way of loving me, too.

Oh and just on another note, if I'm repeatedly expressing my appreciation, it's not because it doesn't take any effort to thank someone. But because, I don't want a time to come when I regret not letting you know how valuable a friend you are to me, and how much the things you've done for me will stay ineffaceable in my heart. It simply means, I can't thank you enough. :)

Gone along with the wind.

I tried. I really tried. And I know it's over, this whole drama. At least, I strongly felt so..

But on lonely days or when I'm at my most helpless and fearful moments, nothing can stop me from thinking of you. Hoping, wishing. Trust me, I don't know why too. Even after all the nonchalance and silence, oblivious attitude and indifference, I still care. I really, only blame myself. If I could choose, I'd make sure I never started at all.

Don't regret what once made you smile. But I'm caught in a dilema now, knowing how painful it can be after all.

That being said, I know this is just a phase that will come to pass. Few years down the road, I'll look back and laugh at how silly I was(am).

I want to have confidence in God, but something is bugging me at the back of my mind. The fact that, I'm living in reality after all. The perfect story may never happen to me.

By my side, truly.

To the dearest friend who has been by my side these 10 months.

Jia Ai, this is NOT a response to your blog post. I was getting ready to blog when I saw your post and went awww in my heart, really ;)

The quote on facebook, that made me smile from inside out. Today wasn't exactly a pleasant day for me, but when I came back from dinner and saw what you tagged me with, it really braced me up with gladness. I've been avoiding so many thoughts and matters of the heart recently, but on the way home from dinner today, it all came back to me. These things include Cereal Killers, my family, and myself. About my family, I am no longer able to express my innermost feelings with words simply, and I guess you know bits and pieces of it, but that's understandable. As for the five of us... that day after our final paper when we went to Astons, realisations hit me. Scary ones. I don't even know what to make out of it. And I'm speechless too. Forgive me again, for negativity such as this. Maybe one day you'll understand. Anyway, I find a need to convey this to you: no matter how things turn out in the near future, or how strain relations become among this group of five, I'm grateful for all that you have done. I'm thankful to have you by my side for so long. Not measured by months, but by the small but genuine and sacrificial things you have done for us, for me.

I'm really touched that you actually came to school for me yesterday. Not because I'm surprised(since you said you wouldn't leave me alone so many times), but because you did it so willingly. Seriously, the small picnic by the steps and retarded but light-hearted conversation(and jive, haha!) with you was enjoyable and one of the happy things I cherish in SA. With your og mate and our new friend, it just brings out what we miss in Cedar, what we expected in our present classmates, and act as a harsh reminder of how unhappy we actually are, how much we've been settling for something less, how often we disguise ourselves with smiles and laughs and satisfaction which we don't truly feel. It's the issue of I(for you) and A(for me) again huh? Haha but don't worry we have each other. Remember that. Also, no matter how funny I find them, how much they make me burst into hysteria, know that they can never take your place and make me feel as peppy and blessed to have a friend like you. :) AND so, I won't stand them making fun of you, even if they don't mean it. Because, I know you care and you feel hurt. I'm here for you, and don't keep things to yourself anymore okay? I know it's difficult to trust, but find the right person and you'll trust that person with your secrets more than you trust yourself :) I'm not saying I'm that person heehee, because I, too, am finding for that someone.

My hope for us.


"One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention."