When tears don't help anymore.

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm so hateful.

I know exactly how important and sacrificial you are, and how I need to cherish every living moment with you because I'm only left with you in this cruel and deluding family... yet I've grown to become the disgusting kind of person I hate over the years. I despise myself for that. I keep telling myself to change, but I'm unsure of how to. I keep trying to find excuses to defend myself, but at the end of the day I wonder how different I actually am from those people if I continue to behave this way. And because I'm really sorry, it seems even more difficult to utter that five letter word. And when I do, I don't have confidence that it'll make you feel any better. My contrite heart can no longer deceive myself into believing I'm the goody two shoes I might have once been, but not anymore. I've changed. And for that I'm repulsed.

I know what's done cannot be changed, but from here onwards, I promise to make an effort. A greater effort to do what I'm supposed to, and to forget that which is an obstacle to a renewed life.

Good thing I have God, my Father and Saviour. No amount of gratitude can repay Him for my salvation, or His forgiveness towards me. The past weeks and months have been testing. An emotional wreck, drained, weary, and faithless, I'm not proud of it at all. I just hope one day, soon, I can look past all these and start becoming a better person, worthy of being loved.

I've hurt the people around me who truly love and care for me. I'm been so oblivious to the wounds I inflict on them time and time again, focusing only on my pain, my joy, my predicaments. Insensitive and selfish, yet so eager for love and understanding. I am, in my own eyes, in fact the worst creature on earth.

God forgive me, I'm been so unlovable and bitter.

You know what hurts me more than my own pain? When I see the grief and torment I impose on the people I love the most. When I know I have hurt them without being brave to acknowledge it. When I fail to recognise they are hurting more than I am. When I return their love for me with an absent and unbearable attitude. This rips me apart more than anything else. I rather be afflicted by someone else than to cause one's torment. Especially the ones I love.

Really, sorry.