There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.
Like a small entity wandering through life in this very messed up would..
Maybe God wants to break me so He can mould me into something greater, better. I'm convicted and I gladly accept the soft whispers of admonition that spoke to my heart. For His plans are so mighty and I can never even begin to understand the slightest of it. It dawned upon me, there's so much in this universe I don't know, so much I can't comprehend... and the sooner I accept it, the easier the road will be ahead of me. I can only stop trying to keep all the chaos under control because the more I try, the more I'll get lost. Lost and blind.
I value my friends so much that it scares me how much my life revolves around them. But I don't know how to stop it, and it's frightening. Because once I get trapped in it I have no idea what it takes to get out. But thankfully for me, I always have God as my light to bring me back on the right track. And that's a huge comfort to me. He's the rock I can always rely upon, when I'm tired, bruised, and weak. Like I am now. But today, like all other days, is worth thanking God for, especially so because God is slowly but surely answering my prayers; my prayer for courage and resolve to confront the bugging issue, which has been an added weight on me for few months, but a load off now.
Not that all disputes dissipated magically, but rather I'm irrevocably pleased that I have decided to step away from it all once and for all. And walk away. I believe there's no point clinging onto something that will undoubtedly continue to hurt you further in the near future. Please God, not man.
It's late and somehow I can't express my thoughts as clear as I'd like it to be, haha, but I'm hoping I can get my point across. People judge. God commanded us not to, but given our stubborn, sinful nature, we all do. I'm equally guilty of that and truth be told, I'm ashamed of it as well. I'm still trying, and striving to be a bright testimony for the Lord. Scripture reading today talked of, not growing weary of doing good (for the Lord), and I pray I won't fall under the category of the opposite. It's a timely reminder and I thank God for it. So anyway, I just feel that we should all be more frank, more open, more forbearing, more loving towards the people around us. Don't wait until they are gone because the regrets accumulated thereafter, will continue to haunt you for a long time to come. I don't know for others, but it's certainly the case for me. I... don't like to hurt the people around me, even though I can't deny how often I actually do, without realising it. Such insensitivity, I'm guilty of it and definitely regretful of how it might have affected those I care about, or once deeply cared for.
That being said, I'm starting to see a clearer picture, more so with each passing day. And with the truth staring so eminently sharp back at you, disappointments are inevitable. Well, it's true the truth hurts. Trust doesn't necessarily grow out of time, it's gained through tests and trials, difficulties and hard times. Times when even you don't believe in yourself, but you turn to your side and see that same person beside you all these while. It's an arduous task to find someone like that.. so, don't. Believe that God is a loving God who will not leave you to suffer alone. He knows your heart and your thoughts, your fears and your insecurities. Who else to put your trust in other than the unchanging God? He will give you loved ones you can depend on for life and valuable friends who will never give up on you. I trust in my Lord, and He has put in my life friends whom I love with all my heart, and who are treasures worthy to be kept for the remaining time on this earth. For that alone, I should be contented. I'm... not gonna expect more. Don't put your hopes in man, unlike God, they fail you. These few months, people and events constantly led me to question myself, as a person, and as a friend. It made me lose faith in myself, and brought me to a point I start loathing what I can be at times. Then I heard God's soft prompting. He made me, and I am good because I am His. But I'm not perfect. So instead of escaping, why not commit to my Lord and pray that He'll change me bit by bit, as He is every single day of my life. Why be miserable because of men when it is God I should keep my eyes on?
So this time I'm letting go and letting God take control, as I should have long ago. So weary and broken, I need His grace and love to get me through.
Thank you for telling me things which I wanted to know since forever. But surprisngly when you sat there coming clean with me, I had no major reaction. I was in fact, quite calm, or rather, blank. Honestly, I'm clueless as to how I am feeling, or how I should be feeling. It's an odd emotion which you, nor anybody else can possibly understand. It's one that even I can't grasp. But in a nutshell, I really appreciate you coming all the way done. A really touching gesture which it's not for naught, I assure you. It really made a turn of events possible, and I guess I'm glad for it. I'm happy, I really am... but I just need time to sort things out. You know, it's not just something that happened overnight, yeah? Then again, perhaps I'm not as determined or firm as I would like to be. You taking the extra mile and truly wanting to start anew(I hope) actually have the ability to make me reconsider from different angles. Haha honestly, I was intent on letting things be because I'm so sick of being the brunt of all blame. I don't know if I'm bound to be so easily swayed but I just don't wanna get hurt anymore. I've been struggling so long to be a pleaser, only to realise that I'm trying too hard when all I should have done is let God show His way. I always believe that if something or someone means enough to you, you'll stop at nothing(out of love) to fight for it, or for the latter, to ensure he or she is genuinely happy. When all is said and done, what you do, or don't do, shows enough of where that person stands in your heart or what that matter means to you. Actions after all, speak louder than words.
I don't need to know the rest, because I think whatever I know for now, is enough. Haha I don't know if that sounds like sense but I just wanna say, whatever is important to me, is thought through and settled, today. The rest, is not in my control anymore. Neither do I wanna hold on to it. I'm hoping this will be the end of it all, though I highly doubt so.
God give me grace and strength and forgiveness.
On a whole new note, I did something horrid today! And I don't know if anyone can understand how badly it affected me. I don't care if it is a normal thing for everyone to do, I know with my whole heart what I do is displeasing to God and I'm deeply remorseful. I don't ever wanna let history repeat itself. :{ Haha.. just thank God for letting me know that I'm at fault and helping me be determined not to commit the same mistake ever again!
Anyway. I'm not gonna overthink from today onwards. Or at least, attempt to avoid seeping into thinking land. It's an evil place which does evil things to my head, and never fails to bring sorrow into my life. Haha, besides, who needs brain cells to think? (source: LYNN.) Haha, yep. You know, sometimes you are not as important (or close) to someone, as you think you are. So don't ever make assumptions. I should have learnt. I thought I did. Tonight, I realised how much my heart wavers. It takes so little to sway me. I'm... not proud of it. Not at all.
I'm beat.
PS, tuition (& the way home) with Lynnie was ever so heart-warming, one way or another. REST WELL TONIGHT DARL.
HAHA OKAY GOOD NIGHT PEEPS.
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