Today wasn't an easy day. But I still thank God, because every living day is one to thank Him for, and lessons to be learnt from. I admit, I couldn't shut out the massive disappointment from descending upon me when I saw my grades before my eyes. The self-doubt is so overwhelming it repulses me. But I've learnt from the past half a year that questioning "why" isn't gonna answer all my "whys", it just breeds resentment and faithlessness. So I'm done. Sad? Yeah obviously, but that's not gonna hinder me from continuing on the journey to work for and achieve my goals. If it be God's will, that is. I KNOW His strength will sustain me, but I'm just fearful... and uncertain, as every single person out there is. Sometimes, I can't help but to think I'm a disappointment to everyone around me. Better, sometimes I almost really believe that I'm good at nothing. Where's my faith? It's in me, and it will stay in me. I just need to keep myself in check. I'm gonna have faith in my God and my Lord, and that's for me alone to attain. It's just, today has really been a bad day. :(
Have you ever had to get through a day, smiling at people, talking, as if everything were normal and okay, while all the time you felt like you were carrying a leaden weight of unhappiness inside you?
I discovered many shocking truths again today. Haha, I really wonder, how much does it take for me to be completely immune to all the biting remarks and trenchant acts all around you? Or even learning to react nonchalantly to letdowns and worse, being one yourself? Because let's face it, sometimes it's much easier that way so you don't feel all the negative emotions pulling your heart strings. I don't want to be a weakling. But apparently it's not so much what I want, than what I have shown to be.
It probably doesn't even matter to others, but I've decided what I should do and I will keep to it. I don't want to be so selfish and self-centred anymore, I don't want to keep fighting for the need to feel something, I don't want to have to search desperately for someone I can trust, because that very person should be just right beside me, and looking too far ahead just clouds my vision. I don't want to be so stupid and trusting, I don't want to let my guard down so easily, I don't want to place my hopes in the wrong things and people anymore, I don't want to be weak. I'm learning my lesson every single day, the hard way. I just can't believe how naive I've been all along.
Do you mean all of what you say? If so, why do I feel so dispensable? But now I'm determined that a distance is required because getting too close, simply prevents me from thinking straight.
I'm glad for all those friends God placed in my life because they are one of His many marvelous ways of showing me He cares for me, the reason I'm still sane!
"She's strong, because she knows what it's like to be weak. She keeps a guard, because she knows what it's like to cry herself to sleep."
Disclaimer: NOT an emo post. Haahahhaa. Okay thanks, bye.
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