“Things in life are not always as they seem. When you listen, for instance, to someone talking, there is another voice beneath his words..even if you hear clearly what he is saying, the real truth is much deeper.”
I think it over and over again, and sometimes I wonder if I'm the bad person.
The contempt and disguise I have for myself when I realise the thoughts I am harbouring, is indescribable. Somehow I know all over again, I'm falling back on my own. I'm on my own. I have been in a mess for the past few weeks. The kind of mess under the surface, way hidden from the nonchalence of the world. Bad as it may sound, I think I actually seek comfort in that. Because, it gets tiring to rely on others with all your heart, then come to the realisation that it was all wishful thinking and yet another disappointment.
I know the reason why my vision hasn't been clear, why I've been so restless, and why I've been sad. The saddest kind of sad that tries not to be sad. It doesn't matter that I'm surrounded by a sea of people who cares or might not have, but I know the problem lies with me. Who cares if I don't live up to expectations? Who cares if I'm not good enough? Who cares if I'm a lesser person? Even if nobody does, I know it all matters to me- not living up to expectations, not being good enough, not being good. And that's where the problem lies. I'm not satisfied, I'm not contented, I'm not happy. But it is times like these that bring me back to my dearest, loving Heavenly Father, and remind me that come what may, even when all else fails, I have Him, my Lord. His love for me doesn't diminish along with my ability to impress the world, it doesn't fade away with time, it's everlasting and it will never change. His love makes me perfect even when I know I'm not. And that's where I can find my solution, and hope. For too long a time, I've been hoping in the wrong things. And I know that, I just couldn't find my way back.
This time, the burden is too heavy. I admit, I can't bear it any longer. My help lies in God.
To my dearest friends who have been worrying about me, I really wanna thank you all for sticking with me physically or emotionally, or both. I never dared forget for one moment, you all are God's blessings to me. You know who you girls are. :)
PS, Joline (if you are reading this), thanks SO much you really comforted me a lot through the little things you do/say- and I know how much you mean them.
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