Searching for a Former Clarity

“Things in life are not always as they seem. When you listen, for instance, to someone talking, there is another voice beneath his words..even if you hear clearly what he is saying, the real truth is much deeper.”

I think it over and over again, and sometimes I wonder if I'm the bad person.

The contempt and disguise I have for myself when I realise the thoughts I am harbouring, is indescribable. Somehow I know all over again, I'm falling back on my own. I'm on my own. I have been in a mess for the past few weeks. The kind of mess under the surface, way hidden from the nonchalence of the world. Bad as it may sound, I think I actually seek comfort in that. Because, it gets tiring to rely on others with all your heart, then come to the realisation that it was all wishful thinking and yet another disappointment.


I know the reason why my vision hasn't been clear, why I've been so restless, and why I've been sad. The saddest kind of sad that tries not to be sad. It doesn't matter that I'm surrounded by a sea of people who cares or might not have, but I know the problem lies with me. Who cares if I don't live up to expectations? Who cares if I'm not good enough? Who cares if I'm a lesser person? Even if nobody does, I know it all matters to me- not living up to expectations, not being good enough, not being good. And that's where the problem lies. I'm not satisfied, I'm not contented, I'm not happy. But it is times like these that bring me back to my dearest, loving Heavenly Father, and remind me that come what may, even when all else fails, I have Him, my Lord. His love for me doesn't diminish along with my ability to impress the world, it doesn't fade away with time, it's everlasting and it will never change. His love makes me perfect even when I know I'm not. And that's where I can find my solution, and hope. For too long a time, I've been hoping in the wrong things. And I know that, I just couldn't find my way back.

This time, the burden is too heavy. I admit, I can't bear it any longer. My help lies in God.

To my dearest friends who have been worrying about me, I really wanna thank you all for sticking with me physically or emotionally, or both. I never dared forget for one moment, you all are God's blessings to me. You know who you girls are. :)

PS, Joline (if you are reading this), thanks SO much you really comforted me a lot through the little things you do/say- and I know how much you mean them.

The Other Half Of Me.

I just watched episode 13 of season 8 of One Tree Hill and it's SO, amazing I wouldn't mind watching it over and over again, except I don't have time. :( In a nutshell, it really sweet and I really love how things end up for Brooke and Julian, and they really deserve each other heehee aww! The kind of love I'm sure everyone would die for, or at least I would. People say it's drama and fairytale, I say it's true love and true love exists. ANYWAY, this episode really pulls your heart strings and make you feel so hopeful. Oh well, such love haha! And, seeing how the storyline and characters develop through 8 seasons of One Tree Hill, I feel so attached to them, especially Brooke, Haley, and Nathan. And if you watched all eight seasons, you'll bound to be in love with them teehee! :D

"I found my other half."

Julian: Brooke, before I met you I thought my world had everything I needed to be happy. Then, you walked into my life and everything changed. I realized how empty my world was without you in it. And my old life was no longer capable of making me happy, not without you. I love everything about you Brooke. I love the way you challenge me, like no one ever has. I love the way you look at me, like no one ever has. And I love the way you love me…like no one ever has. I cant image spending my life without you. And if you say yes to me in a few minutes I wont have to. You look beautiful by the way…

Brooke: Julian, before I met you my world revolved around one thing, me. And I liked it that way, on my own. But then I met you and you saw through the facade, you saw me. You taught me how to trust and how to let someone in and what it truly means to love. I can’t possibly describe how much I love you, so I’ll tell you why I love you. You see the world in a way that no one else does and you appreciate everything. Including me…There is no one in the world like you. And if you say yes in a few minutes I’ll get to spend the rest of my life trying to see the world through your eyes; appreciating everything, including you: the most unique, wonderful and terribly handsome man I’ve ever met.

Even fairytale characters are jealous, heehee.

Okay and although this episode makes me so happy and gives me tears of joy, it's time to get back to studying for econs again. Haha this is life, huh.

Btw, I'm so disappointed in myself for playing so badly today. According to someone, I "underperformed". Today's friendly with Kaixuan was my disaster. What one earth was I doing... sigh. :(

Now It's Just For Laughs.

I wouldn't mind having GP lessons like these for the rest of my J2 year.

Absolutely amazing; at least all of us are laughing.

Always Love.

This Valentine's,

I think I'm really in LIKE with you.

XOXO.

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever."

BE IN THE MOMENT.

"Live each season as it passes, breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each."

I'm really thankful for such a laughable and joyous day. When you have had your (un)fair share of moody days, you know your happy days are round the corner. So don't sink too deep into the emoness, 'cause then you wouldn't know how to live in the moment when that time comes. Haha, I've grown to appreciate the littlest things in my life recently, and I guess that's one of the reasons God gives us trials- to teach us contentment and joy.

So anywayyyyy, (wait let me laugh) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I finally broke my horrendous record of spitting food/water while laughing too hard, by spattering water at Boon Siang's face omg!! (I'm so, so, so, so, sorry TBS!) HHAHA BUT HIS REACTION WAS SO EPIC I (WE) COULDN'S STOP LAUGHING FOR THE NEXT MINUTE LOL!(and I still had water in my mouth, which was dripping all over haha!) I felt horrible, HONESTLY, but he wasn't helping. And Syafikah's laughter was so contagious I couldn't stop bursting out hysterically heehee.

And that was after we had another interesting and humorous session of GP with Mr. R. hahaa(even though it was so much funnier the previous time) I kinda really like his lessons and believe it or not, I'm looking forward to the next GP period! :D Oh well, it's not gonna be for long sigh. But then again memories do count, so we should all be satisfied with greatness looking back in future. Heh :}

I love it when I end school early and have nothing on for the rest of the day. That feeling, is invigorating and I cherish them the most. Today was one such day, just that I had to go for tuition after school which was not really a pleasure, but definitely beneficial. Haha the main point is, to top it off, Jia Ai, Boon Siang and I left school together and they accompanied me for a short while before it was time for tuition. It lasted approximately an hour, but the best I've had in a few days. Haha short BUT exceptionally sweet. Hilarious ttm! And yes JA, I want more of such days, definitely one of my most treasured moments. :)

Show Me How to Live

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

I can't help but to admit, it's getting harder to believe in anything, anyone.

Last Friday 10A03 had their best GP lesson ever. Hilarious, insightful, gratifying. It was a lesson worthy to be remembered, and to look forward to again. Haha, a pity it won't last. We all had to come to terms with someone's uncontrollable, never-ending farts and somehow it never fails to disgust us even though we all know we'd have to get used to it sooner or later. Mr Randy's reaction rocks socks. Hahaha!!

"Just Go With It" was really funny and extremely sweet. Haha, oh well what can I say.. Jennifer Aniston!! :D Watching it with Lynnie was a bonus because it just adds on to the fun heehee. BBF NO.1 xoxo. Haha she's a spastic ball of delight and she brings smiles to my face, and I don't know what I'd do without her. Maybe in return, Lynnie, I should "BUY YOU POPCORN" HAHAHA! Anyway, she's one of the few people I can study with and be comfortable enough NOT to be distracted. :)

It's Valentine's tomorrow and this time of the year brings back fond memories from last year. I remembered how romantic and awesome it was to spend CNY and Valentine's Day in Paris last year. The best. I don't know why, but there's within me a mixture of feelings. Anyway, I look forward to a pleasant day tomorrow and a peaceful week ahead! And hey JA, you have the privilege to be my V-date tomorrow since you'd be spending the most time with me, so I fathom you'd be anything but unhappy. Hmmmmm, maybe really psyched and excited? HEEHEE prove me right! :}

PS, I GOT A V-DATE FOR TOMORROW NIGHT AWWW. GONNA MAKE IT AWESOME, YES CARITAS? TEEHEE CAN'T WAIT!

Someone help me, I'm struggling. It seems as if the sky keeps getting darker and gloomier. And I can't find my way back. And it's not getting any better because the vision's getting blurred, and clouded with pain and sadness. Suddenly I think I'm not lost.. I'm running away. I'm avoiding. But I'm still scared, and I'm still struggling.

You Can Run.

You can run, but you can't hide.

Enochlophobia:
The fear of crowds;
these people are afraid of getting lost in a massive crowd of people.
They themselves feel small and insignificant when surrounded by so many people

The life that we are living, does it ever occur to you that it does not belong to us?

I'm so used to the beautiful things being shattered in the end, that now when happy things happen to me... I don't dare to embrace it with open arms. Where's our trust in God, where's my trust in Him, where?

I received some news today regarding the star player of my eye, and truth be told, I was really hurt :( Even though they meant it as a joke and perceived my response to be a likewise, deep down I was stuck somewhere between being utterly crushed, disappointment, betrayal, and love. I can't understand, but I'm still standing on his side. He still has my undying support. My heart aches whenever they call him a traitor. I know, that's not exactly true.

The day is ending on a good note, and on top of it I got to keep $8 for being a sweet sister hahaha! See being nice has its perks! But seriously, that's not the main point. :)

Thank God for His providence through the day. I'm looking forward to the weekends.

Deep (Blue) Waters.

I'm scared to death whenever I see the schedule for the J2s this year, and am reminded of how I'm nowhere near prepared for the big A's in less than 10months. I'm lost and I just wanna run away. I don't know where to begin from, and knowing I'm not good enough doesn't help at all. Sometimes, I just wanna scream at myself for being such a letdown, or for living up to the expectations of others' that I will simply, just, fail. I can't fly, you know?

So I long for You, Lord. Your love, your grace, your guide and protection and help.

We've got a life to live.

Your strength is inspiring. My strength comes from the Lord Jesus Christ.

The sea isn't immense, life is. Yet we go through with it everyday, we face it everyday. So really, why are we still afraid?

You know, slowly, we grow tired and weary of searching, of trusting, of hoping. Then we let go and leave it be. We may start to realise it's so much easier that way, we don't get tormented or crushed as much anymore. We just do what we gotta do. You know those dark moments, no matter how hopeless they may seem, will eventually come to pass. Because we have this confidence in God which is sufficient to keep us going even if we may have.. nothing and nobody with us.

When you're starting to feel numb towards all those setbacks lashing out at you, please just make sure your tender heart of love doesn't grow cold. Keep it warm, faithful, and fill it with joy. Because otherwise, it will be so, very, tragic.

I want to live my life according to God's will, and that should be enough to see me through the rest of this journey on earth. And come what may, all praise and glory to God. Along with His blessings are my thanksgivings and along with trials I am or might be facing in life, comes my constantly strengthened faith in the Lord.

God knows our fears, and right now He knows mine. I'm afraid of growing numb to all the bad things happening around me, and gradually even towards the possibly good things I still possess. But at the same time, sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to be indifferent and disinterested in my surroundings. Because this way, I can protect myself and I won't feel hurt so easily.

We Change, We Wait.

"Pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love."

People always change. Things change.

What is the measure of trust, of genuine friendship, of true relationships? These days I keep hearing voices and echoes proclaiming how feelings will never stay the same, and that nobody, nothing, is worth our complete reliance and trust. How do you know you can trust when you see the doubt in her eyes, the uncertainty, the holding back? Then again, if what is true today isn't tomorrow, then in the first place, none of that matters because none of it were real.

I keep questioning if I should change, if I'm good enough, if I have to strive harder, do more. But if at the end of the day it wasn't me who changed, and it wasn't you, then what did, or who did?

Why can't everyone live life happily?
BECAUSE we all want different things and we are all pursuing them in a wrong way, with a wrong motive. But, if only.

You know despite all that I'm feeling now, I know that my faith in Christ will bring me through all of it. Maybe time will tell, maybe trials will reveal the answers and bring us into the light, but ultimately God has our lives in His hands. :)

Peyton to Brooke: "Life's too short Brooke, to fight, to be miserable....... to let the bitter ones change how awesome you are."

Cryin' Won't Help You Now

There are too many things to be thankful for. :)

The one devastating news I receive today, with regards to Fernando Torres my dearest.. and I shall not blog about it right now. I'm still sore and wounded. And way too much to be logical about this whole nightmare I'd probably never wake up from.

So even though I was really upset, one thing that cheered me up a whole great deal was MEETING XIAOFEI IN THE AFTERNOON/EVENING! Hahaha even though we didn't talk about soccer at all, she managed to brighten up the rest of my day so well. I really thank God for letting us cross paths, and helping us become a confidant to each other in a considerably short period of time. You know, we're kinda telepathic. Oh yeah totally haha :}

We have SO much in common it's just warm, you know. Okay so anyway we chilled out at Charlie Brown's (so cute bwahaha) and had our first official hthts that was deeply appreciated, truly. I'm already looking forward to our next date haha. But it's okay 'cause abscence makes the heart grow fonder. Her heart better be, teehee! I promised her to hone my cooking skills for the next time we meet and hmmm, I WILL TRY. :D Oh, and her art and sketches just blow me away alrightzxzxz. Even though I doubt she thinks so herself. :) Okay so anyway we both bought shoes and we were both so psyched after that heh. Love her! Thank God for His wonderful blessings, for giving me greater-than-great friends like Lynn and Xiaofei, who understand me from the deepest of my heart.

Hmm anyway, we parted ways around 7-ish. Then after realising Liza was at Taka TOO(because I was there at that point of time I called her), we met and went home together! Haha, since her parents were at my place, so she came home with me to go home with them. Aww, we had a nice, sweet, "BADASS" journey way back home HAHAHA.

Oh right, tomorrow's CNY eve and so Happy Chinese New Year everyone. I hope SA CNY celebration will be kickass and not bore me to death :{ Haha, and Lee JA, if you're reading this... please be in a good mood tomorrow it'd make life GREAT for the both of us bwahaha! ;) You know what I mean huh. Anyway, you know I'm so glad to have you by my side and listening to all woes and joy and weird or simply idiotic stories in life, right? Haha yeah, see ya tomorrow babe.

Goodbye and goodnight!

It's hard to find the heart.