When it Isn't Like it Should Be

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.


Like a small entity wandering through life in this very messed up would..

Maybe God wants to break me so He can mould me into something greater, better. I'm convicted and I gladly accept the soft whispers of admonition that spoke to my heart. For His plans are so mighty and I can never even begin to understand the slightest of it. It dawned upon me, there's so much in this universe I don't know, so much I can't comprehend... and the sooner I accept it, the easier the road will be ahead of me. I can only stop trying to keep all the chaos under control because the more I try, the more I'll get lost. Lost and blind.


I value my friends so much that it scares me how much my life revolves around them. But I don't know how to stop it, and it's frightening. Because once I get trapped in it I have no idea what it takes to get out. But thankfully for me, I always have God as my light to bring me back on the right track. And that's a huge comfort to me. He's the rock I can always rely upon, when I'm tired, bruised, and weak. Like I am now. But today, like all other days, is worth thanking God for, especially so because God is slowly but surely answering my prayers; my prayer for courage and resolve to confront the bugging issue, which has been an added weight on me for few months, but a load off now.

Not that all disputes dissipated magically, but rather I'm irrevocably pleased that I have decided to step away from it all once and for all. And walk away. I believe there's no point clinging onto something that will undoubtedly continue to hurt you further in the near future. Please God, not man.

It's late and somehow I can't express my thoughts as clear as I'd like it to be, haha, but I'm hoping I can get my point across. People judge. God commanded us not to, but given our stubborn, sinful nature, we all do. I'm equally guilty of that and truth be told, I'm ashamed of it as well. I'm still trying, and striving to be a bright testimony for the Lord. Scripture reading today talked of, not growing weary of doing good (for the Lord), and I pray I won't fall under the category of the opposite. It's a timely reminder and I thank God for it. So anyway, I just feel that we should all be more frank, more open, more forbearing, more loving towards the people around us. Don't wait until they are gone because the regrets accumulated thereafter, will continue to haunt you for a long time to come. I don't know for others, but it's certainly the case for me. I... don't like to hurt the people around me, even though I can't deny how often I actually do, without realising it. Such insensitivity, I'm guilty of it and definitely regretful of how it might have affected those I care about, or once deeply cared for.

That being said, I'm starting to see a clearer picture, more so with each passing day. And with the truth staring so eminently sharp back at you, disappointments are inevitable. Well, it's true the truth hurts. Trust doesn't necessarily grow out of time, it's gained through tests and trials, difficulties and hard times. Times when even you don't believe in yourself, but you turn to your side and see that same person beside you all these while. It's an arduous task to find someone like that.. so, don't. Believe that God is a loving God who will not leave you to suffer alone. He knows your heart and your thoughts, your fears and your insecurities. Who else to put your trust in other than the unchanging God? He will give you loved ones you can depend on for life and valuable friends who will never give up on you. I trust in my Lord, and He has put in my life friends whom I love with all my heart, and who are treasures worthy to be kept for the remaining time on this earth. For that alone, I should be contented. I'm... not gonna expect more. Don't put your hopes in man, unlike God, they fail you. These few months, people and events constantly led me to question myself, as a person, and as a friend. It made me lose faith in myself, and brought me to a point I start loathing what I can be at times. Then I heard God's soft prompting. He made me, and I am good because I am His. But I'm not perfect. So instead of escaping, why not commit to my Lord and pray that He'll change me bit by bit, as He is every single day of my life. Why be miserable because of men when it is God I should keep my eyes on?

So this time I'm letting go and letting God take control, as I should have long ago. So weary and broken, I need His grace and love to get me through.

Thank you for telling me things which I wanted to know since forever. But surprisngly when you sat there coming clean with me, I had no major reaction. I was in fact, quite calm, or rather, blank. Honestly, I'm clueless as to how I am feeling, or how I should be feeling. It's an odd emotion which you, nor anybody else can possibly understand. It's one that even I can't grasp. But in a nutshell, I really appreciate you coming all the way done. A really touching gesture which it's not for naught, I assure you. It really made a turn of events possible, and I guess I'm glad for it. I'm happy, I really am... but I just need time to sort things out. You know, it's not just something that happened overnight, yeah? Then again, perhaps I'm not as determined or firm as I would like to be. You taking the extra mile and truly wanting to start anew(I hope) actually have the ability to make me reconsider from different angles. Haha honestly, I was intent on letting things be because I'm so sick of being the brunt of all blame. I don't know if I'm bound to be so easily swayed but I just don't wanna get hurt anymore. I've been struggling so long to be a pleaser, only to realise that I'm trying too hard when all I should have done is let God show His way. I always believe that if something or someone means enough to you, you'll stop at nothing(out of love) to fight for it, or for the latter, to ensure he or she is genuinely happy. When all is said and done, what you do, or don't do, shows enough of where that person stands in your heart or what that matter means to you. Actions after all, speak louder than words.

I don't need to know the rest, because I think whatever I know for now, is enough. Haha I don't know if that sounds like sense but I just wanna say, whatever is important to me, is thought through and settled, today. The rest, is not in my control anymore. Neither do I wanna hold on to it. I'm hoping this will be the end of it all, though I highly doubt so.

God give me grace and strength and forgiveness.

On a whole new note, I did something horrid today! And I don't know if anyone can understand how badly it affected me. I don't care if it is a normal thing for everyone to do, I know with my whole heart what I do is displeasing to God and I'm deeply remorseful. I don't ever wanna let history repeat itself. :{ Haha.. just thank God for letting me know that I'm at fault and helping me be determined not to commit the same mistake ever again!

Anyway. I'm not gonna overthink from today onwards. Or at least, attempt to avoid seeping into thinking land. It's an evil place which does evil things to my head, and never fails to bring sorrow into my life. Haha, besides, who needs brain cells to think? (source: LYNN.) Haha, yep. You know, sometimes you are not as important (or close) to someone, as you think you are. So don't ever make assumptions. I should have learnt. I thought I did. Tonight, I realised how much my heart wavers. It takes so little to sway me. I'm... not proud of it. Not at all.
I'm beat.

PS, tuition (& the way home) with Lynnie was ever so heart-warming, one way or another. REST WELL TONIGHT DARL.
HAHA OKAY GOOD NIGHT PEEPS.

The Girl Who Sang Hero With Me.

Happy 18th LoveLee Kemei!

You have always been there for me and I never fail to thank God for letting our paths meet that very first day of our Sec 3 in Cedar. We are so different yet so alike, but I'm perfectly happy with the way it is because it's what made our friendship so strong today. I hope you remember how you influence me to sing Hero with you practically every single day of the second half of Sec 4, and how we made that OUR song. I hope, even more, that you will remember that girl who believed in that lyrics with all her heart, and stay strong every time you meet a sticky situation. Remember, nothing is too big for our God for He lives in us and He fights for us! Thank you for always encouraging me the same way whenever I feel so hopelessly dejected. I know God loves me because He gave me you! Haha, I hope the Holga will give you lots of memories and (like you told me in my birthday card) create new ones with your future.... HAHA YOU KNOW WHO. When that time comes, "TELL MAG"

I LOVE YOU!

PS, Can't wait for the coming Sat night dinner with you and Kho Rm! Heehee back to Sec 4 times at Fish & Co. Unforgettable.

TURNING EIGHTEEN.

In a blink of an eye, you realise you are a child no more. It's time to grow up, it's time to leave the child in you behind and move on. Maybe by doing that, we lose a part of ourselves. But sometimes we can't defy the order of things in this life. It's... inevitable. In so doing, perhaps we just learn to build walls instead of bridges. Someone once said, "We never grow up. We just learn how to act in public."


There's one thing I have to do, perhaps the most important of all, which is to thank God for eighteen years of life and give Him all glory for what I've become. For better or for worse. Because it is our mighty and loving Father who allows me the privilege to stand here today, with a blessed life compared to million others. For that alone, I ought to be filled with gratitude and love for my Lord and my God. :)

On Friday the 22ND of July, I'm beginning another new year in my life. One that I resolve not to create unnecessary regrets. And I was happy. Or maybe caught up in a whirlwind of emotions intermingling from all areas, such as the drama in school, the stress and competitiveness the whole environment brings, my disappointing grades and poor academic performance, and a whole lot of troubles weighing me down. But on the whole, God knows me and my heart, He loves and cares for me, He answers me prayer, even on that day. A simple prayer- to be happy. I was and I still am. I was greeted by my lovely friend Kemei on the bus (deliberate attempt for us to be on the same bus for the duration of the bus from one bus stop to another) and we took a swift photograph before I alighted the next stop and made my way to school.

Haha, the day started like any other, of course with the exception of seeing Km. :) Surprisingly, at different times of the day I actually forgot it was my birthday. Which was you know, unlike me hahah. But then again, growing up does wonders (or destruction) to all of us, I think. Things which so excite us gradually lose its purest form of anticipation and mystery. It starts becoming difficult, and it takes increasingly more for us to be happy. Anyway, the class sang me a birthday song at the end of assembly which was honestly, shocking at first. But I was flattered. Haha, thanks guys! Birthday cake celebration was fabulous too, although I had to go through the tradition of being smashed in my face(& hair) with cake by Weiren...zzzomg. -.- HAHA and it was caught on cam! Unbelievable.

Thank you Lee JA for sacrificing your time and energy to plan all of it and so much more! I'm sure you know how touched you made me. Thanks babe heehee! It was not all. The gifts she gave me were evidence how much that girl LISTENED to me ramble on and on daily in school even though she may pretend to be disinterested in my repetitive stories sometimes. LOL. You know, I've already read the book, started slotting in notes into the file, and pasted disney stickers on my BB, iPod, and Cam! Hahhaha shows how much I appreciate it huhhh :} The super short time spent at Sentosa (considering that it is after all, SENTOSA) and our failed attempt to sun tan is nevertheless well spent, in my opinion. YOU-KNOW-WHY. Hahahaha I hope! Anyway, I was reallyyyyy elated. I'm just glad to have you by my side on my 18th birthday. I thoroughly relished every moment of it. I don't know if I deserve this, but I'm definitely appreciative of all you have done for me. Like we said, regardless of what is to come, just remember the things I told you while we were at the beach trying to absorb the last of sun rays. HAHA alright, you rock gal. I hope you'll start feeling true joy again and stop being torn away by whatever harshness there is to face. Because I know you are a strong woman JA! XOXO.

Friday night. The surprise dinner by my wonderful church friends was in a word, awesome! HAHA, for real. I knew I was gonna meet a few of them, but I didn't exactly know who was going, so when I arrived "fashionably late" (in the words of Amoz hahaha!) at the designated area- Pizza Hut (haha!), I was pleasantly impressed by the people who turned up. Okay most of all, my cgls heehee. Amoz and Faith was there, which was.. haha great! Stella, Slim, Ctas, Josiah Tan, Huixian and Bob were there too! I was unequivocally delighted and I remember smiling till my jaws went sore. I was royalty for one night teehee! They were all so tired and had a busy schedule I'm really touched they came all the way down for me. (haha maybe I just was too lovable OKAY KIDDING. HAHA) You guys (& girls!) were really great and I can't think of anything (not too mushy) to say to convey my heartfelt thanksgiving and appreciation towards all of you for coming down that night and spend my 18th with me. I thank God for that. Haha, it might not sound like a big deal but it was to me! The presents were lovely but more than that are the well wishes that come along with them. Thanks for everything from all the presents to all of your PRESENCE. :}

Let nature take its course.

Like a shipwreck.

Or a northern star.

Far and distant from the rest of the world.

Baby Steps.

Happy Birthday Friendster. Haha I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the day and that it has marked a wonderful start to your 18th year on this earth. Prayerfully, may God bless you in every day of your life and all the best in your future endeavours haha!


Sunday was GOOD. As always, with time spent on LKM. Hahah bursting into fits of laughter once in every few minutes, which successfully gave her cheeks cramps, am I great or what! HAHA. I don't ever wanna forget how wonderful we celebrated our 18th birthday together (though not on the actual day) and I'll be sure to commit them to memory. Highlights: Kemei greeting with me a slice of tiramisu- my fav!- at Orchard Central heehee, a non satisfactory Sakae meal which involves "Sushi thief!", playing chess using the store's display set, playing pool like two very spastic noobsters at Marina Square, blindly searching for books in Kinokuniya and Times, travelling all the way back to OC for YOU-KNOW-WHAT (most egggggciting gift everrrrr!), LAUGHING (secretly and openly) at hilarious Vaio Jason with his non humorous colleague who totally diaoed him hahahha!, watching green shirt man handling the films and cameras with great agony, Black Bird Jason, and racing home to prepare for school next day! WOW. Hahahah in any case, hope you had fun Loveleeeee and, I'll wish you proper on you-know-when :}


YESTERDAY. Met Joy at tpy and we studied till 9++ which was not too bad after we managed to find a non-sticky table at Coffee Bean heehee! I'm quite glad I met her because Christian company is after all, heart-warming and it enlivens my mood so much when I just need a breather away from, well, school. The pressure is overwhelming. But I'm relying on God's grace because without it, I can't even be here today. Okay we're gonna hope in the Lord and continue pressing on!

Hmm.. I heard we're gonna get back history results this Friday. Deja vu. I don't wanna go through the scenario I experienced back when I was Sec 4. Horrid. Truth be told, I'm afraid everything will be ruined by my mood that day.. :( Then again, I'm not in control but my Lord and my God is. When it rains, it rains. I have decided, whatever happens, I'm gonna commit it to God. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so stressful. Because all along.. I obstinately insist on carrying the world on my shoulders. Not anymore.

But I pray this will be a week to remember and thank God for.

They say, the worst sound ever is hearing the pain and sorrow in someone's laughter.

It pains me and bothers me so much to see the people around me hurting, especially those I care so much for, yet so powerless to be of any help. I just pray that regardless of whatever may happen, I can be a friend worth relying on to you. You deserve to be happy. :)

Nothing Left to Say But Goodbye

Have you ever had to get through a day, smiling at people, talking, as if everything were normal and okay, while all the time you felt like you were carrying a leaden weight of unhappiness inside you?

Today wasn't an easy day. But I still thank God, because every living day is one to thank Him for, and lessons to be learnt from. I admit, I couldn't shut out the massive disappointment from descending upon me when I saw my grades before my eyes. The self-doubt is so overwhelming it repulses me. But I've learnt from the past half a year that questioning "why" isn't gonna answer all my "whys", it just breeds resentment and faithlessness. So I'm done. Sad? Yeah obviously, but that's not gonna hinder me from continuing on the journey to work for and achieve my goals. If it be God's will, that is. I KNOW His strength will sustain me, but I'm just fearful... and uncertain, as every single person out there is. Sometimes, I can't help but to think I'm a disappointment to everyone around me. Better, sometimes I almost really believe that I'm good at nothing. Where's my faith? It's in me, and it will stay in me. I just need to keep myself in check. I'm gonna have faith in my God and my Lord, and that's for me alone to attain. It's just, today has really been a bad day. :(

I discovered many shocking truths again today. Haha, I really wonder, how much does it take for me to be completely immune to all the biting remarks and trenchant acts all around you? Or even learning to react nonchalantly to letdowns and worse, being one yourself? Because let's face it, sometimes it's much easier that way so you don't feel all the negative emotions pulling your heart strings. I don't want to be a weakling. But apparently it's not so much what I want, than what I have shown to be.

It probably doesn't even matter to others, but I've decided what I should do and I will keep to it. I don't want to be so selfish and self-centred anymore, I don't want to keep fighting for the need to feel something, I don't want to have to search desperately for someone I can trust, because that very person should be just right beside me, and looking too far ahead just clouds my vision. I don't want to be so stupid and trusting, I don't want to let my guard down so easily, I don't want to place my hopes in the wrong things and people anymore, I don't want to be weak. I'm learning my lesson every single day, the hard way. I just can't believe how naive I've been all along.

Do you mean all of what you say? If so, why do I feel so dispensable? But now I'm determined that a distance is required because getting too close, simply prevents me from thinking straight.

I'm glad for all those friends God placed in my life because they are one of His many marvelous ways of showing me He cares for me, the reason I'm still sane!

"She's strong, because she knows what it's like to be weak. She keeps a guard, because she knows what it's like to cry herself to sleep."

Disclaimer: NOT an emo post. Haahahhaa. Okay thanks, bye.

All the blurred motions and muffled voices.

I absolutely love Skyping with this girl. Hahahah great study partner over the comp, how cool is that. :} LOL but most of the time we just catch up on what's the latest. Which is, not bad at all! Hmm wouldn't mind doing this with her every night, at least there's someone to keep me awake haha. Hey Kho RM, thanks for Monday night and the super cool cup, which you meant for it to be last year's birthday present so cute can teehee! It is by far my favourite, truly.

Love, Mag.

I can't wait to get my new lappie, hopefully my brother decides to be ubbberrrr sweet and surprise me next Fri. Bwahahaha!

Sigh, cheap thrill for such a long, sad, confusing day.

I never know how true that is, and to be honest I always had reservations about that because, I found myself believing in the idea of true love between one guy for one girl. Haha now it just sounds idealistic and, silly to the core because we are not living in a fairytale. You know, it scares me seeing things happening around me lately. I don't want to sink deeper or step into something beyond my control, something... so unsettling and dubious. Potentially disappointing. But it's still scary. The closer people become, the more they expect from each other. Maybe it's one-sided, maybe it's both. But either way, it's a threat for things to change and become irreversible.

What We Were Doing While They Were Lonely.

"And Hansel said to Gretel, 'Let us drop these breadcrumbs... so that together we find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things.' This year.. I lost my way."
I'm not gonna say I'm confident that I'll start to love school again once the new term begins, tomorrow. But, I'm gonna say that I'm starting anew, again. I'm inspired by your goodness babe. Don't ever forget that. Don't think too far ahead, don't plan too far ahead. That has, and will continue to be the impetus trapping us if we can't get past that. You don't know what glee it brings me to see you so completely immersed in pool the other night, and how thrilled and amused you were! PS, Yaya got 1st runner-up heehee! Totally Yaya wannabe man bwahahaha :}

Brooke: I caught a young girl shoplifting the other day. I was pretty hard
on her.

Psy: Did you feel threatened by her ?

Brooke: No, I actually felt myself feeling jealous. I realize I let company matter too much. You know, we spend all this time building something up, And then we don't enjoy it. We just sit there, terrified that someone is gonna take it away from us. And there was this girl, and she didn't answer to anything or anyone. And that made me jealous.

Psy: What are yoou going to do about that, with regards to your company ?

Brooke: Well, it doesn't matter, I don't have to worry about clother over bros anymore.

Psy: And why is that?

Brooke: I gave it all away. I signed the company over to victoria. Do you think that I was foolish to give my company to my mother ?

Psy: Do you think you were foolish ?

Brooke: Do you always answer a question with another question ?

Psy: Does it bother you ? In my humble opinion, it was never going to be your company, as long as she was part of it.

Brooke: After I did it I felt great. At first, I felt liberated, but now I just feel kind of empty. Everything that I worked for is gone. I just have this store. And even that's
empty now.

Psy: That freedom you were jealous of can be scary sometimes.
Have you talked to anyone else about it ?

Brooke: No. I saw my best friend today, and I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

Psy: Why do you think that was ?

Brooke: I don't know. I feel a little... A little bit like I failed. You know ? I am watching ll my friends move on with their lives, Haley and her family, and Millicent is moving to be with mouth, and Peyton with Lucas and they are all moving forward. And its like I am stuck here, standing still, and...

Psy: Brooke, you're 22 yers old and the founder of a multi million dollar corporation. I'd hardly call that standing still.

Brooke: But it's gone.

Psy: You will do something else. You are intelligent, you are creative. You will figure it out. But that's not the real question.

Brooke: Then what is ?

Psy: All you have talked about is your work, brooke. But when you mention your friends being happy, you define happiness strictly in terms of relationship and family. The question is, Why are you so insistent on going through life alone?

People change and people stay the same. There's always a part of them that will always be there, but the rest of them, will probably vanish away with time past. 

He who does not weep, does not see.

"When archaeologists uncover lost civilizations and they unearth their worlds
that have long been since been destroyed, you know what they find most often?
They find stories... ancient languages, words, inscriptions from people who have
been gone for thousand of years, because chances are, like you, they wanted to
know, "Whats the point ?". We put pen to paper in times of devastating tragedy.
And we try and make sense of it. Maybe we will find some clarity in some of
those words. Maybe we will find peace."

We can't play these games anymore.

There's something fierce about you, something... good. That's it. It helps you to know you exist and is not merely a part of an every day motion. It helps you to face your fears and be stronger. I used to be apprehensive about it but sometimes no matter how reluctant you are, you just have to get up and stop being comfortable. Because that comfort will kill you bit by bit. You cannot be okay with living in sin. Or self-pity. Or.. whatever you call that. :)

I can't wait to begin, again.

Cross your road; I'll burn my bridges.

Lord, I Need You.

Sometimes when life seems gentle and blessings flood my way,
I turn my gaze away from You and soon forget to pray.
But when the sky grows darker and courage turns to fear,
My anxious voice cries upward with words you long to hear.

Lord, I need You when the sea of life is calm.
O Lord, I need You when the wind is blowing strong.
Whether trials come or cease, keep me always on my knees.
Lord, I need You. Lord I need You.

Lord, help me to remember I'm weak but You are strong.
I cannot sing apart from You, for Lord You are my song.
Although I'm prone to wander and boast in all I do;
Lord keep my eyes turned upward so I depend on You.

Lord, I need You when the sea of life is calm.
O Lord, I need You when the wind is blowing strong.
Whether trials come or cease, keep me always on my knees.
Lord, I need You. Lord I need You.


I think I blogged these lyrics before, yep. It's a hymn I always end up turning to when I feel just like how I do at this very moment. In this life, we won't forget what every pain has caused us, we just learn how to grow out of it and learn. Life as we know it, is ineffaceable, along with all the tests and trials we go through. Maybe sometimes we don't need someone to tell us right from wrong, because during those times we know exactly where the problem lies, we just... don't know what to do from there. For me, I think I can never be free from these demons solely by myself. I need my dearest Heavenly Father. So I knew it all along, I just let my sinful nature blind me from witnessing my iniquities and was too stubborn to cry out for help. For God's help.

But I know, I need You Lord. Because I've experienced how well things work out for me without You- bitter and daunting.