Barriers.

Well I don't know how to say this right
And the words got me choking
I keep hitting this wall
It's never gonna fall
And we're still broken

This mountain we've been trying to climb
It's never ending
Just can't do nothing, gotta do something
Cause if we don't open up our eyes
We're just pretending

Well there's a time for giving up
Didn't wanna have to say it
All we're doing is building walls
And now there's too many barriers

After yesterday, I give up.

All these years of bearing with it, shoving it aside, pretending... the pain and bitterness that accumulate to become such a strong wall of defence and caution, made me realise how resentful I've been. But up till today, that's okay. Because I thought I had the support of the people I care and trust, and that they'll be going through it all with me. I was absolutely wrong.

Even though for countless times I was disappointed, but I kept believing that they will be there for me if ever I need them. But it was just wishful thinking on my part. You heard about one sided love? Well, this isn't it. But it's a one sided friendship. My bad.

I should have learnt my lesson long ago. Man is after all, man. The faithfulness of God should have kept me from faltering, from trusting in the wrong things and people. But I guess I was too blind. Now, I hope it's not too late. I want to surrender, but this time, only to God. My God.

I never should have opened my heart to them. And, I won't ever open my heart to others so easily anymore.

It was so painful.

When the night falls.

Yesterday, all of us were in pain.

For many of us, our Promos results were the cause of it. For some of us, it's the near future that holds us in uncertainty and despondency.

Everyone is weary and exhausted. Tired, broken, lost. I don't think anyone will know exactly how I feel at that point of time, and for the hours after that. Wretched. Because yes, sometimes it's unavoidable. You are desperate for someone to be there for you always, but we all have to deal with different situations and sometimes nobody can be at that exact place at that exact time when you are breaking down. Friendship problems don't do anything to lessen the burden, but because it matters to us, we fight to stay even stronger. Truth be told, I wanted to disappear momentarily, immediately. Problems never stop coming our way, and just when I thought all was well, I was thrown with another. But that's life, and I want to give my all so that I won't live to regret.. even if things don't turn out the way I want to. Then again, I'm really... tired.

I thank God for what you did for me. I was speechless, but so thankful.

"Don't cry yourself to sleep."
"No I won't"
Because I'm already too tired... I was done hours ago.

It pains me to see the people around me feeling so dejected and heartbroken, and the worst part is not being able to do anything. A friend told me, just being there, is really more than enough for some people. I certainly hope so. I can't show how much it affects me that they are not doing well, how worried I am for them, because I'm afraid it just make them feel worse. I just hope they will face these challenges with greater courage and undying fighting spirit, and in the course of life's ups and downs, grow stronger. It won't be easy, no matter which stage in life we are in, but I'll support them with all my heart.

"Don’t be discouraged by a failure. It can be a positive experience.
Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, in as much as every discovery of
what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh
experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully
avoid."
— John Keats

This is my earnest thoughts to the three of them. And I'm just so proud of them for holding on no matter how disheartened they are.

I don't know what next year would be like, but I trust in God's providence. I thank God with all my heart, because behind all the blessings, I know I'm not worthy.

And hey, no matter what, you are my most cherished treasure in SA ;) I can't forget to include the Cereal Killers as well, can I? No, I can't.

Stay strong, all of us!

PS, Daphne, I know you are feeling really lost right now. Give us time, we will do our best to brighten up the path ahead of you and let you realise the wonderful things life holds for you in the near future. Don't lose hope in staying happy, you are more than the results this time round, you are Daphne. :)

Plastic.

All the words and smiles and actions, what are they?

I don't know what to feel about this class, I don't know how to act around them. I don't know what to believe anymore.

Even, the friends.

But maybe like someone said before, we expect that much from the people we love because we are prepared to give that much.

I just hate knowing that all these could just be a facade after all. I'm afraid behind all the affectionate gestures lies distrust and contempt. One day...if you realise I don't live up to your standards, would you please tell me and stop pretending you don't mind and love me all the same? Even if that breaks your heart as a gracious person with kind words. No, really. These are heartfelt words, not sarcasm. Because yes, the truth always hurt, but deception always hurt more. Nope, not intended to anyone in particular.. but just a genuine thought.

I sincerely hope I'm peculiar in a positive way, if ever I am.

I'm grateful for the friends who love me at my worst, truly. And I know they are God's way of loving me, too.

Oh and just on another note, if I'm repeatedly expressing my appreciation, it's not because it doesn't take any effort to thank someone. But because, I don't want a time to come when I regret not letting you know how valuable a friend you are to me, and how much the things you've done for me will stay ineffaceable in my heart. It simply means, I can't thank you enough. :)

Gone along with the wind.

I tried. I really tried. And I know it's over, this whole drama. At least, I strongly felt so..

But on lonely days or when I'm at my most helpless and fearful moments, nothing can stop me from thinking of you. Hoping, wishing. Trust me, I don't know why too. Even after all the nonchalance and silence, oblivious attitude and indifference, I still care. I really, only blame myself. If I could choose, I'd make sure I never started at all.

Don't regret what once made you smile. But I'm caught in a dilema now, knowing how painful it can be after all.

That being said, I know this is just a phase that will come to pass. Few years down the road, I'll look back and laugh at how silly I was(am).

I want to have confidence in God, but something is bugging me at the back of my mind. The fact that, I'm living in reality after all. The perfect story may never happen to me.

By my side, truly.

To the dearest friend who has been by my side these 10 months.

Jia Ai, this is NOT a response to your blog post. I was getting ready to blog when I saw your post and went awww in my heart, really ;)

The quote on facebook, that made me smile from inside out. Today wasn't exactly a pleasant day for me, but when I came back from dinner and saw what you tagged me with, it really braced me up with gladness. I've been avoiding so many thoughts and matters of the heart recently, but on the way home from dinner today, it all came back to me. These things include Cereal Killers, my family, and myself. About my family, I am no longer able to express my innermost feelings with words simply, and I guess you know bits and pieces of it, but that's understandable. As for the five of us... that day after our final paper when we went to Astons, realisations hit me. Scary ones. I don't even know what to make out of it. And I'm speechless too. Forgive me again, for negativity such as this. Maybe one day you'll understand. Anyway, I find a need to convey this to you: no matter how things turn out in the near future, or how strain relations become among this group of five, I'm grateful for all that you have done. I'm thankful to have you by my side for so long. Not measured by months, but by the small but genuine and sacrificial things you have done for us, for me.

I'm really touched that you actually came to school for me yesterday. Not because I'm surprised(since you said you wouldn't leave me alone so many times), but because you did it so willingly. Seriously, the small picnic by the steps and retarded but light-hearted conversation(and jive, haha!) with you was enjoyable and one of the happy things I cherish in SA. With your og mate and our new friend, it just brings out what we miss in Cedar, what we expected in our present classmates, and act as a harsh reminder of how unhappy we actually are, how much we've been settling for something less, how often we disguise ourselves with smiles and laughs and satisfaction which we don't truly feel. It's the issue of I(for you) and A(for me) again huh? Haha but don't worry we have each other. Remember that. Also, no matter how funny I find them, how much they make me burst into hysteria, know that they can never take your place and make me feel as peppy and blessed to have a friend like you. :) AND so, I won't stand them making fun of you, even if they don't mean it. Because, I know you care and you feel hurt. I'm here for you, and don't keep things to yourself anymore okay? I know it's difficult to trust, but find the right person and you'll trust that person with your secrets more than you trust yourself :) I'm not saying I'm that person heehee, because I, too, am finding for that someone.

My hope for us.


"One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention."

rit.

The emotions well up slowly nowadays.. but the memory still stays. Maybe one of those days they will start to fade. And when I look back all that's left is blurred pictures and vague recollections.

matter more than you think.

I would love to go through it all over again, to press the play button and repeat those happy moments again. But I'm afraid it'd be less precious that way. We all have to grow up, no? You may discover how brutal the world actually is, the people who change, or are in fact the same people but we thought were different, but that's life isn't it?

Anyway, there's inter class games tomorrow and I really don't wanna play, but I don't have any choice since they submitted the list. Anyway, I thought post promos would be fun.. but up till now I don't feel the true joy I've been looking forward to after exams. Of course, doing the basics like jogging without time constraints, reading books and watching dramas gave me a tranquil and relaxing day, but... what about the people around me?

I thought we had so many plans made before exams, but it turns out I'm just planning ahead of myself. I didn't realise it was so difficult. I didn't know I will be so drained. What's the point of trying so hard? I always ask myself, but till now, I still don't know whether what I've been doing is the right thing. You know, everything is worthless if you don't mean it. Every word, every action, every memory.

It scares me stiff to recognise the possibility that one day I'll find out all that I believe in- the beauty of this world, the people and things I trust and love the most, the dreams I hold so dear to- are really just, fairytales and lies and impressions... and nothing more.

Maybe I'm just tired, maybe I just need a breather.

We are all living in shades of grey.

Haha I really hate managing more than one blog. Seriously, I don't understand why people can't just keep to one blog. And now that I have this blog AND my tumblr, I still don't get it. This is really strange. I'm so tempted to just stick here, since there are so many things I've been feeling recently that are getting increasingly hard for me to tell others, or trust them with. But I know tumblr makes me happy with all the updates of Fernando love and Spain and what nots. Heehee!

Back to more tugging matters, hmm... promos. I'll be having CSE (the last paper) tomorrow, and I can't wait. But at the same time, I dread going back to normal school days where there are lots of fun, but lots of other troubles I want to get away from. And I just realised lessons are gonna resume after that, like WHAT. All my little bubbles of things I wanna do just go 'pop' 'pop' 'pop' :(

Anyway, maths paper today didn't went well for me. I lost track of time and was really slow. Of course, there were the knotty questions I couldn't do :( But I have no right to complain or be overly sad about it because I know exactly how much I prepared for this maths exam, and I know too, that I didn't work as hard for maths this time round. So I'm gonna pray that I can accept whatever results God give me, and give thanks for He knows best for me. If I do well this time, I can take absolutely no credit for it because all that I have and received, is His grace and mercy.

You know, it is through these arduous times when everyone is and can only look out for themselves, leaving you to fight your own battles alone... that you see God's hand at work, and the friends who are friends. I don't wanna talk about friends today, there's enough said and felt. It gets me thinking all over again, and right now... I'm tired.

Isn't it so true, that sometimes we just don't know right from wrong, until we experience disappointments and heartaches, joy and laughters.

Este corazón mío

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

Something inside me, somewhere deep, I want to imprint all my thoughts here. I want to make my memories forever here. But now, really, I don't know if that's ever possible..

5 more days to the break I'm looking for. 5 more days to the end of promos.

The Lord has sustained me all these while, and I know He will continue to give me that blessed assurance for the rest of my life. I'm tired, and I need His strength to carry on...

I finally, stepped out of it today.

You know when they say time heals everything? Well, I don't agree time heals everything, but definitely some things. Things that you can forget along with time and the cruelty of life, are things you once thought were important to you, but are actually not. It doesn't and didn't mean the world to you. Not now, not then. Yes, it was all a delusion.