LIVE AND LET GO

Letting go is never easy.

Always, leave everything a little better than when you just found it.

On a side note, time is ticking away fast. Anxiety is not helping, not at all. I wonder who knows the heart in me now. The small voice is reminding me, to never forget there is a God I can rely on when all else fails.

"We all have to live with the residue of our choices, and the consequence of our actions.” OTH, Brooke Davis

Spirit in the Night

You. girls. are. awesome.

Such simple times when the night is actually so calming, it makes you happy enough just to be with the people you love hanging out with. :)

The superwoman who did ALL the picnic preparation, transformed into a mega hip DJ, and most importantly brought along her imba self.

Memories like these, moments that hover and pass.

"E.E. Cummings once wrote; 'To be nobody-but-yourself - in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.'"

And to be myself in front of these two people, is absolutely not something I have to struggle with. I love them for who they are, and for loving me the way I am. It's a blessing, an undeserving one on my part, for these two wonderful friends in my life. I don't even know if 'friends' is sufficient to convey how significant they are to me! They are so amiable and trustworthy, so giving and fiercely dependable. This post is nearly 3 weeks late, but the greatness of my appreciation for what they have done for my birthday haven't change at all, if anything I just learn to treasure them more. :}

Xiaofei, I will never forget our first encounter, from the first few words you said to me the first day I went for training(HAHA), to gymming together and to tau huey. Most of all, I know these epic moments will not stop there, as proven on my 18th birthday(heehee!), and also because we have a deal with your-new-friend-Lynnie that the three of us will be awaiting the marvelous trip to Barca with much anticipation. And trust me, it won't stop there! I must have said it thousands of times, but you made my 18th so ingrained that I won't say "thank you" anymore, but I love you so. Okay, now you can die from cheesiness and excessive goosebumps HEEHEE :D

And Toh Wuen Lynn, for more than 5 years now we've grown from complete strangers to acquintances, to teammates, to friends, and finally, lovers. HAHA I'm kidding, in case any one gets the wrong idea LOL. Nah I'm definitely joking because you know I'm straight and there's the U-18 Rugby shirt guy at Holland V, remember? HAHAHA, okay that's not the point. (if ever he comes across this then I'll just drop dead and die teehee!) You know we are so close we actually feel comfortable stoning in each other's presence and just relishing every moment we have together, and that knowledge alone comforts my heart so much whenever I am feeling alone. This never loses its meaning: I don't know what it will be like for me without you now that I've grown so accustomed to having you there with me going through nearly every important stage of our lives (since sec 1) together. From the smallest (Cedar bball team conflicts haha) to the most challenging obstacles ('A' lvls in less than 3 months!!), we've been there for each other and I can only wish with all my heart that all these that we experience together will only be a glimpse of how our friendship will grow and become in future, that in a long time to come we'll still be travelling side by side! The birthday surprise was completely unexpected, but everything you know I want for my two unbelivably good friends. I know you know me hehh. I love you Lynnie!

It burned my lips to say goodbye.

One may think we're alright
But we need pills to sleep at night
We need lies to make it through the day
We're not okay. 

What have I gotten myself into?

Cherish what you have before you lose what you love. Bear in mind, sacrifices are inevitable. It shouldn't be an issue if you're choosing what means the most to you. As for me, isn't that what true friends are for? I can do that. Hahahahahahahahaahahahahaa, definitely.

I'm taking one step away, heading towards the other direction!

Goodbye for now. It's time for history. (Umm.. literally. Arab-Israeli here I come!)


"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any pain: for the former things are passed away."
Revelation 21:4

When it Isn't Like it Should Be

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.


Like a small entity wandering through life in this very messed up would..

Maybe God wants to break me so He can mould me into something greater, better. I'm convicted and I gladly accept the soft whispers of admonition that spoke to my heart. For His plans are so mighty and I can never even begin to understand the slightest of it. It dawned upon me, there's so much in this universe I don't know, so much I can't comprehend... and the sooner I accept it, the easier the road will be ahead of me. I can only stop trying to keep all the chaos under control because the more I try, the more I'll get lost. Lost and blind.


I value my friends so much that it scares me how much my life revolves around them. But I don't know how to stop it, and it's frightening. Because once I get trapped in it I have no idea what it takes to get out. But thankfully for me, I always have God as my light to bring me back on the right track. And that's a huge comfort to me. He's the rock I can always rely upon, when I'm tired, bruised, and weak. Like I am now. But today, like all other days, is worth thanking God for, especially so because God is slowly but surely answering my prayers; my prayer for courage and resolve to confront the bugging issue, which has been an added weight on me for few months, but a load off now.

Not that all disputes dissipated magically, but rather I'm irrevocably pleased that I have decided to step away from it all once and for all. And walk away. I believe there's no point clinging onto something that will undoubtedly continue to hurt you further in the near future. Please God, not man.

It's late and somehow I can't express my thoughts as clear as I'd like it to be, haha, but I'm hoping I can get my point across. People judge. God commanded us not to, but given our stubborn, sinful nature, we all do. I'm equally guilty of that and truth be told, I'm ashamed of it as well. I'm still trying, and striving to be a bright testimony for the Lord. Scripture reading today talked of, not growing weary of doing good (for the Lord), and I pray I won't fall under the category of the opposite. It's a timely reminder and I thank God for it. So anyway, I just feel that we should all be more frank, more open, more forbearing, more loving towards the people around us. Don't wait until they are gone because the regrets accumulated thereafter, will continue to haunt you for a long time to come. I don't know for others, but it's certainly the case for me. I... don't like to hurt the people around me, even though I can't deny how often I actually do, without realising it. Such insensitivity, I'm guilty of it and definitely regretful of how it might have affected those I care about, or once deeply cared for.

That being said, I'm starting to see a clearer picture, more so with each passing day. And with the truth staring so eminently sharp back at you, disappointments are inevitable. Well, it's true the truth hurts. Trust doesn't necessarily grow out of time, it's gained through tests and trials, difficulties and hard times. Times when even you don't believe in yourself, but you turn to your side and see that same person beside you all these while. It's an arduous task to find someone like that.. so, don't. Believe that God is a loving God who will not leave you to suffer alone. He knows your heart and your thoughts, your fears and your insecurities. Who else to put your trust in other than the unchanging God? He will give you loved ones you can depend on for life and valuable friends who will never give up on you. I trust in my Lord, and He has put in my life friends whom I love with all my heart, and who are treasures worthy to be kept for the remaining time on this earth. For that alone, I should be contented. I'm... not gonna expect more. Don't put your hopes in man, unlike God, they fail you. These few months, people and events constantly led me to question myself, as a person, and as a friend. It made me lose faith in myself, and brought me to a point I start loathing what I can be at times. Then I heard God's soft prompting. He made me, and I am good because I am His. But I'm not perfect. So instead of escaping, why not commit to my Lord and pray that He'll change me bit by bit, as He is every single day of my life. Why be miserable because of men when it is God I should keep my eyes on?

So this time I'm letting go and letting God take control, as I should have long ago. So weary and broken, I need His grace and love to get me through.

Thank you for telling me things which I wanted to know since forever. But surprisngly when you sat there coming clean with me, I had no major reaction. I was in fact, quite calm, or rather, blank. Honestly, I'm clueless as to how I am feeling, or how I should be feeling. It's an odd emotion which you, nor anybody else can possibly understand. It's one that even I can't grasp. But in a nutshell, I really appreciate you coming all the way done. A really touching gesture which it's not for naught, I assure you. It really made a turn of events possible, and I guess I'm glad for it. I'm happy, I really am... but I just need time to sort things out. You know, it's not just something that happened overnight, yeah? Then again, perhaps I'm not as determined or firm as I would like to be. You taking the extra mile and truly wanting to start anew(I hope) actually have the ability to make me reconsider from different angles. Haha honestly, I was intent on letting things be because I'm so sick of being the brunt of all blame. I don't know if I'm bound to be so easily swayed but I just don't wanna get hurt anymore. I've been struggling so long to be a pleaser, only to realise that I'm trying too hard when all I should have done is let God show His way. I always believe that if something or someone means enough to you, you'll stop at nothing(out of love) to fight for it, or for the latter, to ensure he or she is genuinely happy. When all is said and done, what you do, or don't do, shows enough of where that person stands in your heart or what that matter means to you. Actions after all, speak louder than words.

I don't need to know the rest, because I think whatever I know for now, is enough. Haha I don't know if that sounds like sense but I just wanna say, whatever is important to me, is thought through and settled, today. The rest, is not in my control anymore. Neither do I wanna hold on to it. I'm hoping this will be the end of it all, though I highly doubt so.

God give me grace and strength and forgiveness.

On a whole new note, I did something horrid today! And I don't know if anyone can understand how badly it affected me. I don't care if it is a normal thing for everyone to do, I know with my whole heart what I do is displeasing to God and I'm deeply remorseful. I don't ever wanna let history repeat itself. :{ Haha.. just thank God for letting me know that I'm at fault and helping me be determined not to commit the same mistake ever again!

Anyway. I'm not gonna overthink from today onwards. Or at least, attempt to avoid seeping into thinking land. It's an evil place which does evil things to my head, and never fails to bring sorrow into my life. Haha, besides, who needs brain cells to think? (source: LYNN.) Haha, yep. You know, sometimes you are not as important (or close) to someone, as you think you are. So don't ever make assumptions. I should have learnt. I thought I did. Tonight, I realised how much my heart wavers. It takes so little to sway me. I'm... not proud of it. Not at all.
I'm beat.

PS, tuition (& the way home) with Lynnie was ever so heart-warming, one way or another. REST WELL TONIGHT DARL.
HAHA OKAY GOOD NIGHT PEEPS.

The Girl Who Sang Hero With Me.

Happy 18th LoveLee Kemei!

You have always been there for me and I never fail to thank God for letting our paths meet that very first day of our Sec 3 in Cedar. We are so different yet so alike, but I'm perfectly happy with the way it is because it's what made our friendship so strong today. I hope you remember how you influence me to sing Hero with you practically every single day of the second half of Sec 4, and how we made that OUR song. I hope, even more, that you will remember that girl who believed in that lyrics with all her heart, and stay strong every time you meet a sticky situation. Remember, nothing is too big for our God for He lives in us and He fights for us! Thank you for always encouraging me the same way whenever I feel so hopelessly dejected. I know God loves me because He gave me you! Haha, I hope the Holga will give you lots of memories and (like you told me in my birthday card) create new ones with your future.... HAHA YOU KNOW WHO. When that time comes, "TELL MAG"

I LOVE YOU!

PS, Can't wait for the coming Sat night dinner with you and Kho Rm! Heehee back to Sec 4 times at Fish & Co. Unforgettable.

TURNING EIGHTEEN.

In a blink of an eye, you realise you are a child no more. It's time to grow up, it's time to leave the child in you behind and move on. Maybe by doing that, we lose a part of ourselves. But sometimes we can't defy the order of things in this life. It's... inevitable. In so doing, perhaps we just learn to build walls instead of bridges. Someone once said, "We never grow up. We just learn how to act in public."


There's one thing I have to do, perhaps the most important of all, which is to thank God for eighteen years of life and give Him all glory for what I've become. For better or for worse. Because it is our mighty and loving Father who allows me the privilege to stand here today, with a blessed life compared to million others. For that alone, I ought to be filled with gratitude and love for my Lord and my God. :)

On Friday the 22ND of July, I'm beginning another new year in my life. One that I resolve not to create unnecessary regrets. And I was happy. Or maybe caught up in a whirlwind of emotions intermingling from all areas, such as the drama in school, the stress and competitiveness the whole environment brings, my disappointing grades and poor academic performance, and a whole lot of troubles weighing me down. But on the whole, God knows me and my heart, He loves and cares for me, He answers me prayer, even on that day. A simple prayer- to be happy. I was and I still am. I was greeted by my lovely friend Kemei on the bus (deliberate attempt for us to be on the same bus for the duration of the bus from one bus stop to another) and we took a swift photograph before I alighted the next stop and made my way to school.

Haha, the day started like any other, of course with the exception of seeing Km. :) Surprisingly, at different times of the day I actually forgot it was my birthday. Which was you know, unlike me hahah. But then again, growing up does wonders (or destruction) to all of us, I think. Things which so excite us gradually lose its purest form of anticipation and mystery. It starts becoming difficult, and it takes increasingly more for us to be happy. Anyway, the class sang me a birthday song at the end of assembly which was honestly, shocking at first. But I was flattered. Haha, thanks guys! Birthday cake celebration was fabulous too, although I had to go through the tradition of being smashed in my face(& hair) with cake by Weiren...zzzomg. -.- HAHA and it was caught on cam! Unbelievable.

Thank you Lee JA for sacrificing your time and energy to plan all of it and so much more! I'm sure you know how touched you made me. Thanks babe heehee! It was not all. The gifts she gave me were evidence how much that girl LISTENED to me ramble on and on daily in school even though she may pretend to be disinterested in my repetitive stories sometimes. LOL. You know, I've already read the book, started slotting in notes into the file, and pasted disney stickers on my BB, iPod, and Cam! Hahhaha shows how much I appreciate it huhhh :} The super short time spent at Sentosa (considering that it is after all, SENTOSA) and our failed attempt to sun tan is nevertheless well spent, in my opinion. YOU-KNOW-WHY. Hahahaha I hope! Anyway, I was reallyyyyy elated. I'm just glad to have you by my side on my 18th birthday. I thoroughly relished every moment of it. I don't know if I deserve this, but I'm definitely appreciative of all you have done for me. Like we said, regardless of what is to come, just remember the things I told you while we were at the beach trying to absorb the last of sun rays. HAHA alright, you rock gal. I hope you'll start feeling true joy again and stop being torn away by whatever harshness there is to face. Because I know you are a strong woman JA! XOXO.

Friday night. The surprise dinner by my wonderful church friends was in a word, awesome! HAHA, for real. I knew I was gonna meet a few of them, but I didn't exactly know who was going, so when I arrived "fashionably late" (in the words of Amoz hahaha!) at the designated area- Pizza Hut (haha!), I was pleasantly impressed by the people who turned up. Okay most of all, my cgls heehee. Amoz and Faith was there, which was.. haha great! Stella, Slim, Ctas, Josiah Tan, Huixian and Bob were there too! I was unequivocally delighted and I remember smiling till my jaws went sore. I was royalty for one night teehee! They were all so tired and had a busy schedule I'm really touched they came all the way down for me. (haha maybe I just was too lovable OKAY KIDDING. HAHA) You guys (& girls!) were really great and I can't think of anything (not too mushy) to say to convey my heartfelt thanksgiving and appreciation towards all of you for coming down that night and spend my 18th with me. I thank God for that. Haha, it might not sound like a big deal but it was to me! The presents were lovely but more than that are the well wishes that come along with them. Thanks for everything from all the presents to all of your PRESENCE. :}

Let nature take its course.

Like a shipwreck.

Or a northern star.

Far and distant from the rest of the world.