Let nature take its course.

Like a shipwreck.

Or a northern star.

Far and distant from the rest of the world.

Baby Steps.

Happy Birthday Friendster. Haha I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the day and that it has marked a wonderful start to your 18th year on this earth. Prayerfully, may God bless you in every day of your life and all the best in your future endeavours haha!


Sunday was GOOD. As always, with time spent on LKM. Hahah bursting into fits of laughter once in every few minutes, which successfully gave her cheeks cramps, am I great or what! HAHA. I don't ever wanna forget how wonderful we celebrated our 18th birthday together (though not on the actual day) and I'll be sure to commit them to memory. Highlights: Kemei greeting with me a slice of tiramisu- my fav!- at Orchard Central heehee, a non satisfactory Sakae meal which involves "Sushi thief!", playing chess using the store's display set, playing pool like two very spastic noobsters at Marina Square, blindly searching for books in Kinokuniya and Times, travelling all the way back to OC for YOU-KNOW-WHAT (most egggggciting gift everrrrr!), LAUGHING (secretly and openly) at hilarious Vaio Jason with his non humorous colleague who totally diaoed him hahahha!, watching green shirt man handling the films and cameras with great agony, Black Bird Jason, and racing home to prepare for school next day! WOW. Hahahah in any case, hope you had fun Loveleeeee and, I'll wish you proper on you-know-when :}


YESTERDAY. Met Joy at tpy and we studied till 9++ which was not too bad after we managed to find a non-sticky table at Coffee Bean heehee! I'm quite glad I met her because Christian company is after all, heart-warming and it enlivens my mood so much when I just need a breather away from, well, school. The pressure is overwhelming. But I'm relying on God's grace because without it, I can't even be here today. Okay we're gonna hope in the Lord and continue pressing on!

Hmm.. I heard we're gonna get back history results this Friday. Deja vu. I don't wanna go through the scenario I experienced back when I was Sec 4. Horrid. Truth be told, I'm afraid everything will be ruined by my mood that day.. :( Then again, I'm not in control but my Lord and my God is. When it rains, it rains. I have decided, whatever happens, I'm gonna commit it to God. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so stressful. Because all along.. I obstinately insist on carrying the world on my shoulders. Not anymore.

But I pray this will be a week to remember and thank God for.

They say, the worst sound ever is hearing the pain and sorrow in someone's laughter.

It pains me and bothers me so much to see the people around me hurting, especially those I care so much for, yet so powerless to be of any help. I just pray that regardless of whatever may happen, I can be a friend worth relying on to you. You deserve to be happy. :)

Nothing Left to Say But Goodbye

Have you ever had to get through a day, smiling at people, talking, as if everything were normal and okay, while all the time you felt like you were carrying a leaden weight of unhappiness inside you?

Today wasn't an easy day. But I still thank God, because every living day is one to thank Him for, and lessons to be learnt from. I admit, I couldn't shut out the massive disappointment from descending upon me when I saw my grades before my eyes. The self-doubt is so overwhelming it repulses me. But I've learnt from the past half a year that questioning "why" isn't gonna answer all my "whys", it just breeds resentment and faithlessness. So I'm done. Sad? Yeah obviously, but that's not gonna hinder me from continuing on the journey to work for and achieve my goals. If it be God's will, that is. I KNOW His strength will sustain me, but I'm just fearful... and uncertain, as every single person out there is. Sometimes, I can't help but to think I'm a disappointment to everyone around me. Better, sometimes I almost really believe that I'm good at nothing. Where's my faith? It's in me, and it will stay in me. I just need to keep myself in check. I'm gonna have faith in my God and my Lord, and that's for me alone to attain. It's just, today has really been a bad day. :(

I discovered many shocking truths again today. Haha, I really wonder, how much does it take for me to be completely immune to all the biting remarks and trenchant acts all around you? Or even learning to react nonchalantly to letdowns and worse, being one yourself? Because let's face it, sometimes it's much easier that way so you don't feel all the negative emotions pulling your heart strings. I don't want to be a weakling. But apparently it's not so much what I want, than what I have shown to be.

It probably doesn't even matter to others, but I've decided what I should do and I will keep to it. I don't want to be so selfish and self-centred anymore, I don't want to keep fighting for the need to feel something, I don't want to have to search desperately for someone I can trust, because that very person should be just right beside me, and looking too far ahead just clouds my vision. I don't want to be so stupid and trusting, I don't want to let my guard down so easily, I don't want to place my hopes in the wrong things and people anymore, I don't want to be weak. I'm learning my lesson every single day, the hard way. I just can't believe how naive I've been all along.

Do you mean all of what you say? If so, why do I feel so dispensable? But now I'm determined that a distance is required because getting too close, simply prevents me from thinking straight.

I'm glad for all those friends God placed in my life because they are one of His many marvelous ways of showing me He cares for me, the reason I'm still sane!

"She's strong, because she knows what it's like to be weak. She keeps a guard, because she knows what it's like to cry herself to sleep."

Disclaimer: NOT an emo post. Haahahhaa. Okay thanks, bye.

All the blurred motions and muffled voices.

I absolutely love Skyping with this girl. Hahahah great study partner over the comp, how cool is that. :} LOL but most of the time we just catch up on what's the latest. Which is, not bad at all! Hmm wouldn't mind doing this with her every night, at least there's someone to keep me awake haha. Hey Kho RM, thanks for Monday night and the super cool cup, which you meant for it to be last year's birthday present so cute can teehee! It is by far my favourite, truly.

Love, Mag.

I can't wait to get my new lappie, hopefully my brother decides to be ubbberrrr sweet and surprise me next Fri. Bwahahaha!

Sigh, cheap thrill for such a long, sad, confusing day.

I never know how true that is, and to be honest I always had reservations about that because, I found myself believing in the idea of true love between one guy for one girl. Haha now it just sounds idealistic and, silly to the core because we are not living in a fairytale. You know, it scares me seeing things happening around me lately. I don't want to sink deeper or step into something beyond my control, something... so unsettling and dubious. Potentially disappointing. But it's still scary. The closer people become, the more they expect from each other. Maybe it's one-sided, maybe it's both. But either way, it's a threat for things to change and become irreversible.

What We Were Doing While They Were Lonely.

"And Hansel said to Gretel, 'Let us drop these breadcrumbs... so that together we find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things.' This year.. I lost my way."
I'm not gonna say I'm confident that I'll start to love school again once the new term begins, tomorrow. But, I'm gonna say that I'm starting anew, again. I'm inspired by your goodness babe. Don't ever forget that. Don't think too far ahead, don't plan too far ahead. That has, and will continue to be the impetus trapping us if we can't get past that. You don't know what glee it brings me to see you so completely immersed in pool the other night, and how thrilled and amused you were! PS, Yaya got 1st runner-up heehee! Totally Yaya wannabe man bwahahaha :}

Brooke: I caught a young girl shoplifting the other day. I was pretty hard
on her.

Psy: Did you feel threatened by her ?

Brooke: No, I actually felt myself feeling jealous. I realize I let company matter too much. You know, we spend all this time building something up, And then we don't enjoy it. We just sit there, terrified that someone is gonna take it away from us. And there was this girl, and she didn't answer to anything or anyone. And that made me jealous.

Psy: What are yoou going to do about that, with regards to your company ?

Brooke: Well, it doesn't matter, I don't have to worry about clother over bros anymore.

Psy: And why is that?

Brooke: I gave it all away. I signed the company over to victoria. Do you think that I was foolish to give my company to my mother ?

Psy: Do you think you were foolish ?

Brooke: Do you always answer a question with another question ?

Psy: Does it bother you ? In my humble opinion, it was never going to be your company, as long as she was part of it.

Brooke: After I did it I felt great. At first, I felt liberated, but now I just feel kind of empty. Everything that I worked for is gone. I just have this store. And even that's
empty now.

Psy: That freedom you were jealous of can be scary sometimes.
Have you talked to anyone else about it ?

Brooke: No. I saw my best friend today, and I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

Psy: Why do you think that was ?

Brooke: I don't know. I feel a little... A little bit like I failed. You know ? I am watching ll my friends move on with their lives, Haley and her family, and Millicent is moving to be with mouth, and Peyton with Lucas and they are all moving forward. And its like I am stuck here, standing still, and...

Psy: Brooke, you're 22 yers old and the founder of a multi million dollar corporation. I'd hardly call that standing still.

Brooke: But it's gone.

Psy: You will do something else. You are intelligent, you are creative. You will figure it out. But that's not the real question.

Brooke: Then what is ?

Psy: All you have talked about is your work, brooke. But when you mention your friends being happy, you define happiness strictly in terms of relationship and family. The question is, Why are you so insistent on going through life alone?

People change and people stay the same. There's always a part of them that will always be there, but the rest of them, will probably vanish away with time past. 

He who does not weep, does not see.

"When archaeologists uncover lost civilizations and they unearth their worlds
that have long been since been destroyed, you know what they find most often?
They find stories... ancient languages, words, inscriptions from people who have
been gone for thousand of years, because chances are, like you, they wanted to
know, "Whats the point ?". We put pen to paper in times of devastating tragedy.
And we try and make sense of it. Maybe we will find some clarity in some of
those words. Maybe we will find peace."

We can't play these games anymore.

There's something fierce about you, something... good. That's it. It helps you to know you exist and is not merely a part of an every day motion. It helps you to face your fears and be stronger. I used to be apprehensive about it but sometimes no matter how reluctant you are, you just have to get up and stop being comfortable. Because that comfort will kill you bit by bit. You cannot be okay with living in sin. Or self-pity. Or.. whatever you call that. :)

I can't wait to begin, again.

Cross your road; I'll burn my bridges.

Lord, I Need You.

Sometimes when life seems gentle and blessings flood my way,
I turn my gaze away from You and soon forget to pray.
But when the sky grows darker and courage turns to fear,
My anxious voice cries upward with words you long to hear.

Lord, I need You when the sea of life is calm.
O Lord, I need You when the wind is blowing strong.
Whether trials come or cease, keep me always on my knees.
Lord, I need You. Lord I need You.

Lord, help me to remember I'm weak but You are strong.
I cannot sing apart from You, for Lord You are my song.
Although I'm prone to wander and boast in all I do;
Lord keep my eyes turned upward so I depend on You.

Lord, I need You when the sea of life is calm.
O Lord, I need You when the wind is blowing strong.
Whether trials come or cease, keep me always on my knees.
Lord, I need You. Lord I need You.


I think I blogged these lyrics before, yep. It's a hymn I always end up turning to when I feel just like how I do at this very moment. In this life, we won't forget what every pain has caused us, we just learn how to grow out of it and learn. Life as we know it, is ineffaceable, along with all the tests and trials we go through. Maybe sometimes we don't need someone to tell us right from wrong, because during those times we know exactly where the problem lies, we just... don't know what to do from there. For me, I think I can never be free from these demons solely by myself. I need my dearest Heavenly Father. So I knew it all along, I just let my sinful nature blind me from witnessing my iniquities and was too stubborn to cry out for help. For God's help.

But I know, I need You Lord. Because I've experienced how well things work out for me without You- bitter and daunting.