We owned the night.

I absolutely love this woman to bits and pieces. I cannot imagine how different my life would have turned out without her by my side all these years. Yesterday night was probably one of my best spent nights I have had in a long while, especially with so many of the unthinkable crumbling down on me. But I'm here now. And here is good.

It instantly warms my heart up to know how much she cares about me amidst all of these that I'm confronted with. Her assurance, it's indisputable. Haha long runs which comprises of her everyday life stories made the arduous process (given how long I haven't been running LOL) so much more bearable and entertaining. The nice weather was only bonus. Hehee not to mention, how the chill and chat moments of the night contributed to an ambiance so marvelous. Us being us, how can the night end without retarded but honest thoughts on top of endless rantings and hthts. Hahaha my preference for "strong arms" and hers for "broad shoulders" definitely correspond to what we need most. Inside joke HAHAHA. So yep, she might be deserting me for charming Brisbane but she promised me time will continue speeding through us and she'll be back in no time. So that makes me feel better. Preferably I can simply hop into a plane and demand her to take me in for a few days, provided I'm thick-skinned enough hehe.

Monsters

“When I was young, I couldn’t sleep at night because I thought there was a monster in the closet. But my brother told there wasn’t anything in the closet but fear. And fear wasn’t real. He said it wasn’t made of anything. Just…air. Not even that. He said you just have to face it. you just have to open that closet and the monster would disappear.”

I wonder, how true.

So if that means our monsters are no longer hiding in our bedrooms, under our beds, or in our closets, and is in fact living right inside us, we just gotta face ourselves. And maybe that's the scariest part. Facing ourselves, our own souls.

27 days since things have started to change drastically for me. In the midst I've experienced bitterness, anger, disappointment so immense I simply couldn't at any time bear, despair, and.. I was in a complete state of apprehension. So defiant and insistent to turn away and shut out everything else. And the thing that unnerved me the most, was the thought of giving up and throwing all my dreams away.

Now there's hope. It's a varied kind of hope, one that carries reservations and cautiousness and no longer naive or puerile, yet when rekindled in a pertinent way, can explode into a magnitude of unimaginable triumph. Not over anything or anyone. But victory over self. It brings me to another world. Far from where I am now. This hope, that I have now.

The previous kind of hope, got me where I am now, where I'd do anything to get away from. Too simplistic and trusting in the goodness of every outcome, every action. The wrong and overrated kind of hope. Too, happy.

I never want there to be a day when I tell my kids,

"When you grow up, your heart dies."

"It was real Sara.. You and me. It's real."

Easily the sweetest thing.

Starting Season Two I got a feeling Prison Break's only gonna become more of a tear-jerker than comedy. Not that Prison's Break meant to be either of the two genres. Haha. Michael Scofield is beyond cool in this series I can only wish I had watched it way earlier haha. I love how close Michael and Lincoln are, so sweet that their brotherly love threatens to choke me to death any second. And I love how Michael loves Sara so much I can almost feel his pain and him crying only makes it worse :'(

Cute Poison

They say bad memories bring us pain, but I think the good ones hurt more. They give us a bittersweet longing for the past that we know is unlikely, if not impossible, for us to relive them once again. Like, cute poison. I have been richly blessed, I pray that they feel the same way too. :)

As we grow a little older and wiser
We learn, with perhaps a little regret,
That these things can never be.

How many moments in life can you point to and say: 'That's when it all changed.' ?

Come to think of it, I've had quite a few.

Maybe somewhere deep down, when faced with an unwanted and abrupt situation, there's a desperation of wanting more "life-changing moments" to happen so that in the circle of life somehow, we go back to where we started. No loss, no gain. But after all the tosses and turns, have we lived life at all? What then lies behind our existence if -when- truly, there is a God-given purpose for creating every single soul on this earth?

It's probably not for us to know, but to know God knows.

Hanging out with JA till late night on her birthday was the most gratifying. The endless talks and random outburst of laughs at seemingly inappropriate episodes was in fact well-timed and becoming. But I presume it's only because the one I'm with is Jia Ai and she brings out the genuine in me. No hesitation, and naturally. Happy birthday you, 19 years of life have seemed to serve you well hahaha, thank God yep! :)

PS, Tiramisu at Prego's yesterday was simply unforgettable. Haha the best I've ever had!

PSS, Oh right and Torres' hat trick tonight got me smiling to bits. I never lost faith in him and it's a wonder why, but is that really important? Nahhhh love you Fernando!! Heehee and Liverpool's win over Stoke, (Y) Suarez and Downing haha yipee!

LIVE FOR THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU.

Earlier today when I read it, my heart just sank. Haha but come to think of it, I'm still excited for what's to come anyway. And I know now it's not because of you anymore!

I'm probably even more eager to embrace the next chapter of my life.

I spoke to someone who means very dearly to me over the phone yesterday, and that made me conclude how much I miss me.

Thank You God. :}

PS, I'm going for my first driving lesson tomorrow, and I'm really anticipating it! Just crossing my fingers hoping I won't turn out a mad disaster hahaha.

"sometimes
the only way to realise how unhappy you are
is to leave the things you think you want behind
(even if it kills you) because if you can't be happy alone
you're not happy.

and there is no greater thrill than being happy
and alone"

you think you know what you want.
but you don't.
and i don't either.
we all don't.

it's probably for the best that we throw those baggages behind us and continue moving forward, no matter how important we deem them to be. because when life becomes a struggle for us, we really have no more capacity to store what we have wanted all our lives but that which will only kill us faster. silently, painfully.

lust of the flesh and pride of life.

Let the old self die.

We can only find peace in God by making peace with Him.

Two days of complete resentment, hurt, and living in utter disappointment didn't get me nowhere after all. It made me realise i'm only human and i'm weak. I had hit rock bottom. I won't elaborate anymore, but in a nutshell, everyone can choose to be bitter about their circumstances, or take every event that happened to them, even the most unpleasant ones, and thank God for those takeaways which will only shape them and help them grow stronger. Initially, I fell into the first category. It was only after God spoke to me today, that I chose the latter. What's done cannot be undone. I've given all that I have. Why or how it happened, that I have no say in or I may never understand, but I only have to look to God and trust Him. I have heard these words of consolation and assurance countless of times over these two days, but it all fell on deaf ears. I was buried too deep down in my own misery. I just didn't know if I can ever come out of this bubble I stupidly created for myself. It's only after I truly committed everything to God that each and single word from the people around me really spoke to my heart. I guess no matter how hard we try, we can never move on until we fully surrender our lives to God. Truth be told, i haven't been able to do that for the past year. And that's probably why things turned out the way it did. In God's sight, i should feel comforted that all of these will only turn out for the best. Where is my faith? And what right do i have to question my God?

"Surely your turning of things upside down shall be esteemed as the potter's clay: for shall the work say of him that made it, He made me not? or shall the thing framed say of him that framed it, He had no understanding?"
Isaiah 29:16

Lost.

At some point of time in your life, things may be hard but you'll have to face them alone.

This point in my life, this time round, I'm alone.

I can't find someone else who feels the same way I do, and I don't expect to. Everybody is in a different place altogether, or maybe in a same place different from me. But reality is such and no amount of crying will help. It's like your heart aches so badly you wish it was all a nightmare that will end once you wake up, but no one else knows better than I do that it's only a nightmare came true. I know God is there, but... there shouldn't be any buts. But.