But those are heartbeats on closed doors.

After yesterday, I finally thought it through and let go of the stupid miseries that have been weighing me down. Haha thank God! Indeed it is now much easier to focus and zoom in on the most important task at hand. :) That's not to say though, that I'm having a great time. If anything, I can't wait for the end of Nov to come- KOREA! Bwahaha first stop of my post-A's travelling destinations.

Hmm.. Then again, what about A levels itself?

During history consultation yesterday, our intelligent teacher got me thinking: really, what IS the whole point of the A level examinations? In the context of Singapore, or maybe even the world out there, we ought to be aiming for all the As and possibly Bs and a prestigious position in the course we desire. But who says those are the things which make us genuinely happy? Maybe for some, it made me wonder what I truly want.. And how about God's will for my life, does it even sound remotely familiar to me? We all tend to forget the process and look straight ahead to the results, and that's human nature. But I don't want to waste my life away worrying about the outcome and compromising on the joy that I could have attained from God's strength. God will never throw me trials too big to handle, but the thing is, will I willingly go through these tests without blaming Him for not making my life a bed of roses?

I thought deep and hard, and I came to a conclusion that all these uncertainties and stress I'm facing boil down to the very fact of existing expectations and what nots. Fear of letting them down, fear of..

Ok. Point made. Just saying!

OKAY ANYWAY HEHEHE,

I just cooked my own dinner today cos nobody's eating home and I didn't wanna eat porridge with my uncle haha. Proud to say, the fried (but not-so-fried) egg I cooked and brocolli were really yummy! (hahaha self-praise but too bad since nobody other than me tried it) Come to think about it, it's their loss LOL. My brother thinks I can't cook so.. ahhaa imma show him!

*my uncle laughing and standing at the side watching me cook: how you gonna cook for your boyfriend next time?

Grrr hahahaha but seriously, I'm still insisting that I can cook! Heehee and trust me, I'm so gonna be a great cooker after A's. Oh, I mean CHEF HAHA. :}

PS, the man utd game started mins ago and he was sitting on the sofa (with me beside him)

him: "hmm.. where got girls like soccer one."
me: *glare* hello, i'm a girl
"ya lor that's why"

HAHA ughhh I start to wonder if I'm actually giving off the wrong vibes. The friends are starting to treat me like a "bro".

OKAY ADIOS. This has been a nice break. :)

But don't run out of your faith.

On the way home from another day ending, drawing me closer to the start of November, and of A's, I felt so overwhelmed, so small and so dispirited. I had to turn to something, something I had with me, something to help me fight against the negativity. I read the text again today, and it pulled on my heartstrings as much as it did the first time I woke up to it 2 weeks ago. The gratitude that filled me, the guilt, the expectations, hope, love, belief, assurance, and so much more that I can't describe with words alone. But at this point of time, I'm really uncertain. Of myself, of.. everything. I know you think I can do it, and I have to do it, but reality is I may not be as capable as you think me to be :( But I'll do my best, and I'll pray that I can do it with God's grace. For you, for me, for us, for God.

I felt like I a whole day of Winter in the Library today. But all's good because it's the first time I studied for 8 hours straight without any distractions, yet I have to come to be face in face with reality, the reality that I'm insufficient, still. Very much so. Say, there's less than 2 weeks? Did I feel this unprepared for 'O's? Part of me wish I did, so the outcome would seem less pessimistic. But really, if I've done all I could, there's nothing more I can do but to let go and let God. So, why am I worrying? Maybe it's just cos I haven't put in enough...

Looking beyond your intention,
and my expectation.

I hope for better in November

Hi, God has been good to me. :)

No, I'm not doing well in my studies by any standards.
No, I'm not having the time of my life.
No, I don't feel adequate for A's, not at all.
No, I'm not as understanding or as patient or as sacrificial as I would like to think myself to be.

But God has been good to me.

In so many ways.

Small, subtle reminders of His graciousness in my everyday life. :)

Lately I've been spamming History essays after essays, consultations after consultations. I feel like my other subjects are screaming for my attention. Haha okay but hello dear Maths Econs GP and CSE, I'm not wonderwoman, I need to start with my weakest subject and that's none other than History. :( But I promise I'll come to you soon, like, now. After this. Haha okay, madwoman alert here.................

(Sorry this happens when I have nobody to hear me rant. :'( )

Anyway, History consultations have been really useful for me and trust me, I'm just glad I realised how much I need them. The teacher really encourages me a lot, not by mere words, but by his affirmation of my improvement and progress, and his perception that I'm actually quite insightful hehehehe! Maybe it's a big deal to me because I rarely sound intellectual to my friends. :( HAHA. But I guess the main point is, I really thank the Lord for constant strength and grace and love, for I know I can never come so far without Him, nor can I continue pressing on with my own ability. I am weak but He is strong!

Praying for God's continual grace to carry me through. I'm scared, so scared to my bones... but I know this fear cannot stop me from anything if I have God with me. And for all of you out there, we have 20 days and no matter how bleak everything seems, just keep calm and trust God. Heehee, but remember to study too lahhhh! :}

November let's be good friends! :-)
We can travel together, re-watch 10 seasons of Friends, sit and stone at Starbucks all day long with the crazy peeps(friends), have stayovers, read 10 books in 1 week, play Basketball like I own the court(bwahahha), go to the movies like it's free, prepare Christmas cards in advance which you always leave to December anywaysss, linger around in Church like there's no tomorrow, talk on the phone with friends over the most insignificant or significant events that happened in the day,week,month,year, travel again, learn the piano, learn Spanish,........ omg MAG GO STUDY. Kthxbye.


And after all is said and done, I guess it's back to a square one..
Maybe that is a good thing after all, it sets us free.

But maybe, I just need someone to listen. Full, undivided attention, seconds and hours of listening to what my inner heart is shouting out aloud, which no one hears. To listen, is that too much to ask for? From the way things are looking... perhaps it is too much.

This morning you see.

It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from
desperation.

How apt.

Hmm how do I say this?

I guess it simply is.. I've decided to stay true to my heart and do the right thing. Anyway either way it's gonna hurt so I probably should make it worthwhile. At least I get to see others happy yepppp haha, that's it. :)

And maybe just wanna say, I'll be here anytime you need, if you need.

& I thank God for you.

Just, thank God.

PIECEMEAL.

Have you ever come to a crossroad with your heart, wondering if it's best to let go and move on, or hang on to what means a lot to you, but having to live with the possibly heartbreaking consequence of your choice?

Anyway.

You are a gem and I don't want to lose you.. but maybe reality is the louder voice.

My head and my heart are pulling me in two opposite directions, and I honestly don't know what to do.

OKAY ON A LIGHTER NOTE:

LIVERPOOL VS MAN UTD, 1-1

Shall save on my comments because twitter is giving me enough headaches haha. Just glad to see Liverpool's decent play. And Man Utd was not bad either. Hehehehe Henderson & Gerrard made my day! :)

Untitled.

I read the lines and lines of priceless, heartfelt feelings you practically shout out with all your heart, pen down into words that translate into a sweet melody. It was all warm, but at the same time, a slap in the face.

The word is speechless.

The kind of jolt that wakes you up from a deep slumber. It's time to wake up. It's reality. It's... not you.

Your Big Heart.

One thing you should know, even if I'd said this to you many times for the past 2 years, it doesn't mean less each time I say it. Thank you JA.

I'll keep it short here. But anywhere here goes.. You are what made life in SA so colourful, so inexplicable for me. There were probably many uphills we went through together, but I believe those were needful as all these experiences taught me to recognise change, to accept change, and to change for the better. It all made me stronger, and you better than anyone else in school, should know that pretty well. :) There are (too many) times, you can read my intentions and know my thoughts without me expressing them vocally, and along with you being yourself, you make me so comfortable around you. Always. Haha, I think you bring out the most unglamorous in me. (not that I have anything to be glam about.......) OKAY I SHALL STOP HERE NOW. You can, await for the rest of my awesome message... which you'll receive maybe in 10 years down the road. Or sooner, heehee :}

Anyway, thank you for doing so many things for me. Countless. And I hope you know that without you, those things mean nothing. You always say you're not a good friend, but I feel otherwise. Yep, that's my thesis. I'm gonna fail this because I can't come out with any counter arguments.

(erm... okay, you are supposed to be laughing. but i guess not.so......kthxbye hehehehe)

The scariest thing about distance, is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.

& being so reluctant to forget what makes you sad, knowing it was what made you happy in the first place.

The Fix.

I feel like it's back to the last of my secondary school days, only worse. How do I turn impossible to possible? How do I continue to push forward when everything seems so gloomy ahead, and it's taking so much to resist whatever is holding me back?

I'm pretty contented for my prelim results for a couple of subjects, the others.. pure disappointment. But I need to stay calm, keep cool, and... do something about it. If I did it 2 years ago, why can't I do it again now? I just need to find back my faith, and be reassured of God's strength and grace, which is more than sufficient to pull me through.

So what if they are throwing doubts in your face, as if you don't have enough of them? It shouldn't matter that nobody sees your hard work or acknowledges your efforts, or believe in you. Those that do, that's good enough because ultimately you should be giving your best shot for the sole purpose of yourself, and more importantly the glory of God. The rest is in His hands. You know it, so even if the results speak otherwise now, what difference does it make? It's not the end, not yet. So what's all the negativity about, if you know, and believe, that everything is under control in God's time and plan?

Maybe something more.

This indescribable feeling... the questions bothering you, just let go of them.

Cos from this moment onwards nothing else should matter. It's not worth it. Get your priorities straight. Kthxbye.

So the end is near. But why does it matter? You have been looking forward to this for God knows how long... to end this confusing phase in your life, so why the sudden subtle tinge of melancholy that comes along with the knowledge that nothing's gonna change, or stay the same, for that matter? So many questions, so few answers. So many doubts, so little time..

You might as well get used to it now.

Love and Other Disasters.

Apparently, everything and everyone changed.

I don't know what to make out of it.. admittedly it was a bitter pill to swallow, that out of nowhere I didn't know where to place myself. Just like a piece of puzzle that comes together in the box don't seem to fit in with the rest anyhow.

You made me believe the friendship was built on concrete ground. But now I'm left wondering if it's hollow beneath it.. It is kinda sad, but if I'm trying too hard, then what's the point?

I slipped, but true friends hold onto me, they held on to me.