Escapist.

I told myself not to be sad anymore if nobody understands me, because I think even I don't understand myself... But knowing that that's a truth scare me so much.

It's a scary thought. You feel so lost and alone and there's no one for you but God. So sometimes I think I indulge in all that beautiful stories and movies to escape life. Our dear God is in control, but it really tests your faith when you don't see the picture. I'm trying to stay strong but this weariness is getting the better of me. And I hate myself for letting that happen. Just when I convince myself to brace up and be brave, I come back to being the gravity of all their problems. Can I be selfish and choose to stay out of it? They don't realise how much it pains me to witness every single thing that has gone wrong. I'm in love with the idea of freedom and the idea of love. I know I can never escape from them, and every time I realise that, I lose a part of my sanity. Maybe temporarily, maybe for a long time, maybe forever.. I don't know.

Deep in the night, the moments before I go to bed, I'm cornered by my fears and everything that's happening that I really don';t wanna face but can never shut them out, totally defenseless to its attack, and for a fraction of a second, I just can't breathe. I told myself never to show it but I'm scared too.

The human nature never really changes.. you think?

Talking to J over the phone two nights ago got me thinking.. (haha yeah she was right) I discovered a few shocking facts that I had overlooked, but surprisingly at that moment I had no reaction whatsoever. Not even.. sad. Immediately after putting down the phone, I realised that, maybe I've changed. What happened to all my supposedly dramatic response I was supposed to give? Then I knew immediately, I don't have it in me to deal with all the pain because it's so tiring, and the pain will not stop once I confront it. This pain will only worsen and deep down I know it. So I chose to run away. I don't know when I'll have the courage to face all my fears again, but for now, maybe just let me be. I'll be happy.

Complete trust only happens once. It's an emotional part of you that you hand over to someone else. When he throws it back at you, you know you are done being the fool. I think. You don't know me, so sometimes instead of trying to make your life easy and pass a judgement at my possible incomprehensible behaviour to claim you understand me, I rather you don't try at all. Perhaps it's just hurting knowing that on one hand you thought he had your back but then found out later he's standing on the other side, the side facing you. Against you.