Escapist.

I told myself not to be sad anymore if nobody understands me, because I think even I don't understand myself... But knowing that that's a truth scare me so much.

It's a scary thought. You feel so lost and alone and there's no one for you but God. So sometimes I think I indulge in all that beautiful stories and movies to escape life. Our dear God is in control, but it really tests your faith when you don't see the picture. I'm trying to stay strong but this weariness is getting the better of me. And I hate myself for letting that happen. Just when I convince myself to brace up and be brave, I come back to being the gravity of all their problems. Can I be selfish and choose to stay out of it? They don't realise how much it pains me to witness every single thing that has gone wrong. I'm in love with the idea of freedom and the idea of love. I know I can never escape from them, and every time I realise that, I lose a part of my sanity. Maybe temporarily, maybe for a long time, maybe forever.. I don't know.

Deep in the night, the moments before I go to bed, I'm cornered by my fears and everything that's happening that I really don';t wanna face but can never shut them out, totally defenseless to its attack, and for a fraction of a second, I just can't breathe. I told myself never to show it but I'm scared too.

The human nature never really changes.. you think?

Talking to J over the phone two nights ago got me thinking.. (haha yeah she was right) I discovered a few shocking facts that I had overlooked, but surprisingly at that moment I had no reaction whatsoever. Not even.. sad. Immediately after putting down the phone, I realised that, maybe I've changed. What happened to all my supposedly dramatic response I was supposed to give? Then I knew immediately, I don't have it in me to deal with all the pain because it's so tiring, and the pain will not stop once I confront it. This pain will only worsen and deep down I know it. So I chose to run away. I don't know when I'll have the courage to face all my fears again, but for now, maybe just let me be. I'll be happy.

Complete trust only happens once. It's an emotional part of you that you hand over to someone else. When he throws it back at you, you know you are done being the fool. I think. You don't know me, so sometimes instead of trying to make your life easy and pass a judgement at my possible incomprehensible behaviour to claim you understand me, I rather you don't try at all. Perhaps it's just hurting knowing that on one hand you thought he had your back but then found out later he's standing on the other side, the side facing you. Against you.

Show me the world in your head.

Somewhere along the line... you gave up the idea that you deserve to feel this again.

Haha, yeah my laptop crashed, for the first (and probably last) time in 6 years. So I'm well..... using the computer in my dad's office. Yep just printed art and craft for the children to do tomorrow, and now.. just gimme 5 mins I'm good to go! (to study.)

ANYWAY.

Everybody's struggling with all kinds of heartbreaks, fears, and uncertainties every single day, I don't think there's any exception. Or maybe there are, I don't know. But regardless, we are all just learning to live with it. Once again, I was compelled to acknowledge the very fact, that we don't have to do this alone. Open your heart and commit every thought to God. :)

There's so much going on but hmm, I shall leave it to after block tests, which ends in say... 2 weeks. Till then!

Like we never changed.

We may never talk for months, but when we do everything feels the same.

I think dreams are amazing things.

Everybody's looking for that something.

One thing that makes it all complete.

You'll find it in the strangest places,

places you never knew it could be...

So, impossible as they may seem,

you've got to fight for every dream.

Cos who's to know which one you let go,

would have made you complete.

One can only dream tonight.

Words are no longer sufficient to express the deepest feelings and heartfelt thoughts.

I'm just glad God placed me in 3M 3 years ago and allowed us to grow into 4M, becoming one big happy family. It was and will always be my favourite class and one I hold close to my heart. I guess nobody will ever understand how sweet and beautiful the things we once shared -and still do- were, and these memories will never be eroded by time or the harshness of this world, these ole times.

TSM you've brighten up my day, and at the same time enabled my studying to be so productive! Heehee you are awesome, and retarded as usual hahaha. And nah you are wrong, I don't go crazy over someone so easily. I'm cool like a cucumber. LOL!

Sigh I miss practically the whole of 4M, and the basketballers too haha.

Okay this is today's dose of happiness for me!
Study hard everyone, don't burn out. :}

Hours, Minutes.

“Gratitude is the memory of the heart.”

Tonight, I experienced how gracious my Lord is once again. He bestowed upon me a way of relief, for all the painful moments I face alone.

So it is with a thankful heart, and a mind of gratitude, I remember this night.

They say you can't please everyone and still be happy, sacrifices have to be made. When you are hurt, maybe just know it's not all about you.

For No One At All.

anyone lived in a pretty how town
-E.E
Cummings

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many
bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his
did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their
dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their
dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many
bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss
his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by
was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their
sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

The musical Lion King was splendid. Worth every cent, I think. Haha, and it sure was worth my painful soles and sore feet! The night was fun.

Okay break's over, time to get serious again. It just scares me, looking at everything happening around me. I'm growing numb to it all, but when the pain's gone I'm gonna live life happy. Happiness is not a destination.


Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me.
Psalm 119:133

23 is the magic number.

I don't know how many people know me anymore. But I think I gave up trying to find the answer. And this way, I feel so much better. I stop letting myself get worn out with despair and disappointments. I'm gonna recognise that there's no point holding on to something which is not meant to be yours. I'm gonna stop being so self-centred and selfish. Some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. So what if you are the statue most days and rarely the pigeon? I used to call it unfair, but I realised one day from others, that this is called life.

Haha okok the point is, I have made up my mind to do what I've set out to do. Of course, praying with all my heart I'm following God's will.

:)

23. It's not gonna be long.

Jump down the well to find me.

Tonight, somewhere deep inside my heart, a part of me desperately wants you to save me.