Eyes Wide Open

So this is the end of the story,
Everything we had, everything we did,
Is buried in dust,
And this dust is all that's left of us

Ashes of Dreams You Let Die

How powerful the Word of God, to bring tears to them whose hearts have grown weak and cold like a dying man preparing to depart the world. These tears show brokenness and despair, pain so immense one can do nothing but wait for it to pass. But they show revival as well, the ability to feel hurt, to feel scared, to feel alone. And having these dreadful emotions beat having none.

I thank God.

I have definitely been guilty of bearing resentment and harbouring bitterness towards the predicament I am in, but what acts as a slap across my face even more is knowing how absurd it would be if I let go of God when holding on tightly to His grace and love is exactly what will pull me through. Yet I have felt my grip loosening..

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

An apt and timely reminder of God's marvelous work and miraculous ways.

I look at the world around me now. Everything is working out just fine. Everything but me. I'm in a state of utter wreck. One whereby I witness how easily and how fast people walk out on the very moment things make a turn for the worse. It saddens me. More accurately, it breaks my heart. But I'm in no position to hope otherwise. I'm just one.

I'm just one, but because God loves me, He gave me these few people... precious few whom I seek comfort and found true friendship in. Of course, I see how the rest gradually fall away from me.

4Maddies. People who can take my mind away from troubles and heartaches. Classmates who never change. Friends who never judge. One big family. Saturday night was amazing because of all of you. One of the best nights I've had in a while. Truth be told, I haven't laughed so hard and so much for weeks. Hehe, not to mention laugh till I cry (or wanna pee). I'm blessed to be a part of this magnificent and irreplaceable class. And this is for life.

The message from Yf and 4Mad gathering on Saturday had brought me spending much time with God. The right company uplifts. Genuine concern touches. True friends are all that matters. Thank You God. And maybe when we decide to find joy in the smallest things, we really start to feel happier. Contentment breeds happiness. But I'm far from being there. I'm, still struggling. God help me. :-)

Sunday. For so long I've felt so alone. Like a walking corpse, going through with the daily motions not being able to feel life for what it is. But yesterday I met Daphne in town after my driving (which was on a totally separate note, hilarious to the max haha thanks to my instructor), and that changed something so vital somewhere so deep inside me. I can't thank God enough for the impromptu date we agreed on only couple of hours before we met, because it made me realise how similar our lives are, how our thoughts interwined and overlap at so many issues. Our life not so glamorous, not so perfect. In fact, as damaged and abandoned as we can be. And despite all of it, she awakened the survivor in me I never thought still existed. I've been looking so long, and I didn't see to search someone like her so near to me. I must be blind. Broken and blind. Like how the Lifehouse songs go. Alright, that was irrelevant hah. Now that I've re-found her, I thank God with all that I'm left with now. :')

JA. What more can I say? Throughout these two months, you have never left my side when I needed you the most. Few weeks ago at Nex, that was the juncture I saw you completely for who you are. So fiercely loyal and compassionate. You know how words can no longer convey how I feel towards our friendship. Your actions of late speak so much louder than the many words many have given but came to end up void. Like I said, your presence at this point in my life means more to me than I can imagine and I hate you for making me so completely bought over by you I resort to choosing you as my lunch time buddy even when you cannot be at work with me physically (#foreveralone you see) haha. But really, thanks babe :)

Right now, I can only re-consecrate my life to God and pray for renewed strength and faith. And I pray, that He'll lead me through the next few very crucial days as I accept His will for me.

I'm far from restored, far from happy. But I'm turning to God for i am weak but He is strong.

There are ways of dying that don't end in funerals, types of death you can't smell. 

To perish in lonely frustration.

I have come to the realisation that all I have, or used to think I have is but vapour. I don't know how to be strong when I'm so broken, when everything I know or love is breaking into a million pieces beyond restoration. I don't even know what to believe now. I can't come to terms with what I've learnt, or what I've been told by many. I can't see where I'm heading, or what I'm doing anymore. I muster every ounce of morality in me to acknowledge that nobody owes us anything. Not the world, not our parents, and definitely not God. In retrospect we owe our parents, we owe God. But I look at myself now and I question so many things. Outrageous and ungrateful thoughts I know I shouldn't be thinking, yet they have never left my mind of late. My existence, my dreams, me. What do I have? What do I have to offer? I don't have a right to be angry and bitter and resentful of what they did, who they are to me, or even the reason behind it all. I don't have a right, simply because I am undeserving. It is with so great a hope that I built my life upon, and with God's bountiful grace I entrust myself to, that all I have come to face now is appearing to strangle every breath out of me for the very fact that suddenly, all doors are closing in my face. I'm losing sight of the spark inside me. I'm losing myself.

I can only pray for God to show me His way, but how long more?

Talk Alien.

These few days I haven't given you much thought. But when I do, I don't feel like how I used to feel anymore. This departure may be sooner than I had expected, but nonetheless foreseen. I have no cause to feel so marooned. I am happy, or so I think, and this moment is what counts.



"But now you know there was a man named Jack Dawson and that he saved me… in every way that a person can be saved. I don’t even have a picture of him. He exists now… only in my memory."

Best movie of all time in my opinion :')

"Life is short and opportunities are rare. And we have to be vigilant in protecting them and not only the opportunities to succeed but the opportunities to laugh, to see the enchantment and to live.
Because life doesn't owe us anything.
In fact I think we owe something to the world."

With Arms Outstretched

Hi babe, remember last night? That will be how we spend our nights forever and more. Don't for one second doubt that. Goosebumps much? Hehe I don't care. You are probably smiling like a retarde now anyways bwahaha! I'm glad you are intoxicated by my skin deep touching letter (HAHA), and I wish I had a camera to capture your sappy moment assuming you were on the verge of bawling. Haha you know I love you! :}

Oh one more thing, you know I'll always be here for you with arms outstretched, and this time round, it's not anyone's arms but mine hahaha. (you get it.) I better see yours too whenever I need a hug or more (like squeezing your arm fats hahahaha!) Okay I take back my words. You are so gonna get slender arms soon anyway ;) *Inside joke teehehehe. What are friends for? :)

Lastly, I miss school days with you.