At the end of the day, I'm still me.

Sometimes, it's the unplanned incidents that open up your eyes and give you the answers you've been searching for. People say "time will tell", but I've always believed it's tough times that test the depth of friendship and trials that forge deeper ones. I've stubbornly tried to paint a pleasant picture for myself, convincing myself that the people who matter most to me are those whom I matter most to as well, but sometimes that just isn't true. Such is life, I've heard the inner voice utter for one time too many, but I guess I just never learn.

I was never meant to be first.

It probably sounds superficial and childish. But the heart knows the reasons the reasons don't. It matters. These things matter.

Truth be told, I was never assured. Of other things? Sure. But not of the one thing that means so much to me. "It doesn't matter", I always tell myself. But at the end of the day, I guess holding on to nothing makes me realize how important it was and still is to me.

Maybe those misconceptions I had were due to circumstances. Circumstantial friendship is one of the things that makes my heart grow cold. For as time passes and people move on, they will slowly but surely be forgotten. And if that doesn't happen, if the friendship continues to grow despite distance and time, be thankful.

Is it all about expectations? Or does it really depend on the relationship, the people involved? Have my perceptions been so strongly shaped by those so very beautiful stories that I only come across in books and movies that I start to alter reality in its truest form? One who is fiercely passionate and loyal, and never forsakes the other for anything or anyone. But I guess that's not entirely idealistic, if indeed I know of people who are the most genuine and sincere in their own way. And the fact that, up to this very moment, I've always been certain of how far I'm willing to go to fight for those dearest to me.

But it looks like it doesn't work that way. Reciprocity is a blessing not all can experience.

For all those times you pour your heart out and trust someone unswervingly, you are letting your defenses fall. And before you realize it, that person becomes your wall of protection. So what happens if it leaves one day and leave you defenseless?

Guard your heart.

“Imagining and fantasizing did nothing but break her heart.”

I'm still not good enough. I almost never seem to be. And it doesn't help that I'm painfully aware of how naive I am despite desperately trying to get a grip on the whole idea of life itself. It doesn't matter what the world thinks, or so I tell myself. The heart knows its woes that the mind doesn't. And for that reason don't be afraid to feel the things you feel. But it's excruciating to know that undeniably, it boils down to weakness. Grow up mag.

The Power of Passion

When I think of passion, I think of the color red- bright, fiery, and zealous, filled with an intense longing for someone or something...

In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Passion rebuilds the world for the youth. It makes all things alive and significant”. It appears so effortless how he can with merely two sentences, aptly pen down and frame the multifaceted concept of passion. Passion, it is one of the rarest traits on earth that has the ability to propel one to greater heights; however, the lack thereof can similarly allow one to sink to despair, broken and hopeless with no drive to move forward. In my opinion, passion is a force so great that it overcomes all other negativity in life; it is a drive that is innate and self-sufficient for one to achieve great things, and an intense form of love and desire for a person.

Passion is not mild love that expresses tenderness and kindness towards the target of affection, but instead an intense emotion which makes one yearn for the other. While love takes all form, is patient, mild, sacrificial, and kind, passion on the other hand penetrates deep into inconceivable aspects of an individual’s life; it is energetic, powerful, strong and intimidating to those who fail to meet the intensity of this fearless emotion. It has the ability to heal or destroy a person, and the capacity to touch lives or hurt others. Albert Schweitzer, a German philosopher wrote, “Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being”. Indeed, passion is contagious among like-minded people. When two individuals come together and form a bond of their own in the very initial stages, passion consumes them. They become crazy for each other, they pine for each other’s presence, and they become enveloped into a world that belongs only to them. That is more than affection and pure fondness. It symbolizes a love that surpasses one’s own expectation, one that reaches deep for the soul, even if it is just for a fleeting moment. Yet passion for the unattainable can also lead to obsession or arouse hate, pretty much opposite of the intended outcome passion sets out to achieve.

Passion spills over to many aspects which influences and fuels an individual to strive for a seemingly unattainable goal, and to walk a journey to an almost unimaginable destination. It is limitless, and fiercely fervent in existence. Passion is a love for life, the means to an end for things which are impalpable, a desire so strong that it rises above love in terms of intensity, resembles obsession and even lust for another person.

Snippets of my writing I wrote last semester... that I wish I can always stay true to.

There is a battle, I know, between the desperation of wanting to express myself and the knowledge that as far as my vision allows me to see, it's pointless. At the end, there is only the choice of ignoring those urges. When you see past all the "what-ifs", you can only learn to accept. And at a time like this, you choose to better yourself from it or walk away in despair.

There's so little that keeps me going, but I guess... at the very least there is still hope, right?

Every now and then I think I'm finally growing stronger. But when the storm hits somehow I feel weaker than ever. The failures run on replay, and the regrets envelop all that I can think about; but most of all, what strangles my heart is the uncertainty of the road ahead hovers and it won't go away.

Daylight

Here I am waiting, i'll have to leave soon
Why am i, holding on?
We knew this would come, we knew it all along
How did it, come so fast?
This is our last night but it's late
And i'm trying not to sleep
Cause I know, when I wake, I will have to slip away

And when the daylight comes i'll have to go
But tonight i'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah

Here I am staring at your perfection
In my arms, so beautiful
The sky is getting back the stars are burning out
Somebody slow it down
This is way too hard, cause I know
When the sun comes out, I will leave
This is my last glance that will soon be memory

I never wanted to stop because I don't wanna stuck alone babe, stuck alone babe
I was afraid of the dark but now it's all that I want, all that I want, all that I want

And when the daylight comes i'll have to go
But tonight i'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

My Sundown

It has been the longest time since i've had such a well-spent day like one yesterday. PlayNation with Eyc, Sarah, Alvin, and Colin was an eyeopener with all the unglamorous and truly entertaining moments. HAHA. And if that wasn't gratifying enough, overnight bridge and a whole lot of laughing into the wee hours with Debbs Alvin and N2 definitely was. I can't believe how spontaneous the friends were hehehe ^^ Not gonna say much but i love spending time with the people i do. This semester has been rewarding, more so than I have expected, and the day ended it with a whole new level of goodness altogether. I thank God for the friends, the results, and so, so, so, so much fun. For everything.

Meet me halfway.

For all it's worth, this has been a good run. Many times I find myself slipping back to where I just started, only to get a grip at the breaking point of remembering how hard I've fought to be where I am, how much I've done to free myself from whatever has been holding me back for way too long. So I continue moving forward and I know I've got what it takes to refrain from falling back to that stage of my life where everything seems so bleak. Just keep walking. It has been a semi-productive day studying with Smilerahz and I did enjoy the partly serious, partly entertaining, and partly interesting conversations we had. Here's to an even more fruitful day of studying tomorrow (and the days after that leading up to finals next week)!

Tonight, I got reminded of too many feelings I would rather not have experienced. But for all it's worth, I'm still here. I'm still living.

Stop getting so emotionally attached to things and people you know will come to pass, mag.