This is actually from my tumblr, but I decided to keep it private there and post it here instead. I don't know whether to trust or not. I don't know whether I should or if I want to continue to bother trying. Some things, are better left unsaid to some people. Some things, are better kept to myself and left to be forgotten. Because those who are friends, will come to know one day. And even if they don't, if God wants things to work out, it will. Don't worry. Don't...
There's no need to escape. Because no matter where you run to, your fears will catch up with you.
On lighter things first..
Studying econs at home today was FINALLY productive without distractions, so I can blog at ease now. Though not really, since other things happened. But as I promised a few friends, I'm not gonna think about it till promos are over. I'm sure God's strength can sustain me. My sins are uncountable, but His grace is bountiful and I know my Lord is convicting me, but healing me, and loving me through all these tough times.
Today, I've discovered the hurtful and unpleasant kind of things I always dread so much. Being subjected to the judgement of one's condemning heart can be intolerable to the extent I just cringe every time I think about it. No, not because of what the person said. But because of who said it. I can ignore the stinging remarks because I know what you perceive them to be isn't true -or because I know that's what makes me who I am and I can't be sorry for that- but I cannot push away the harshness that came to me when the thought of you saying or thinking those hurtful things came to picture. Somewhere inside me became aware of the gradual and unnoticeable but definite change in your attitude around me these couple of weeks, but maybe blindness caused me to stupidly believe in the good in you and the solidity of our friendship, and I gingerly brushed them away. To my dismay, or expectation, I was proven right after all. I don't know to feel happy because feeling hurt shows how much I care for this friendship, or sad for myself in knowing I appear to be a prick in your sight. So much so that someone outside this circle of us not only have the right to listen to your complains and troubles(including those about me), but can also outrightly inject her views and criticisms in something she has absolutely no idea of, of someone she doesn't have a clue about, someone she detests right from the beginning because of her openness and lack of discernment in projecting her genuine thoughts.
So sometimes it's true, people bubble wrap themselves up for a reason. Porcupines protect themselves with pricks so they don't get hurt, even if they have to appear to be hateful and unlovable. So that when others hurt them, they have a layer of protection to prevent their vulnerable true self from the excruciating pain. Is it too late?
The bus ride today was for a purpose. Hey, if you ever come across this(which means if I ever make this post public), thanks for being so honest with me and not trying to protect me in a wrong way by hiding the truth. And, thank you for standing up for me it's a huge relief on my part. I know you are being a great friend and so desperately want to resolve conflicts between the few of us, but sometimes it's not possible to make everyone happy, and you know that too. For letting me know, you make me free. :)
True friends accept you for who you are, and compensate for your flaws by loving you even more. You don't have to call out to them and desperately cling on for support at the lowest moments you experience, because the moment your smile starts to fade.. they come to you. Hey for the few of you I always go to immediately when I'm feeling so hurt, thank you so much for loving me and being there, although words are no longer sufficient to show how grateful I am for you.
LYNNIE, I know you are always ready to fly to my doorstep when I need you. I won't forget that precious memory you appeared at my doorstep with a cake when I was sick. Haha, you need my address for some basketball lucky draw huh :} I was so dumb, but so glad.
