Just gotta be thankful I'm already halfway through.
So much complaints, so much doubts. But who am I to decide if my efforts paid off or not? For one, I'm not even through with the A level exams. Secondly, I don't know the results yet. And most important of all, I'm not God. There I said it! One of the quotes I practically believe in with all my heart: none knows the weight of another's burden. Yet I know for sure, my God does. Call it an emotional tide or mental weariness, but I'm quite sure many things other than A LEVELS crossed my mind yesterday and altogether, made me enter into a state of trance. So while yesterday was as horrible as it gets, I'm picking myself up from today and onwards. Trust in God, that's all it takes for me to live. But I had to take it for granted, every single time. Guilty.
And in spite of all that, I know my God lives, and He lives in me.
I won't run out of my faith.
Another person to thank God for: TOHWUENLYNNIEWINIEMINNIE. So glad she asked me out in the afternoon before I wasted my whole afternoon away, haha. Well, time spent with her can never be wasted time :) Anyway, the rest of the day was filled with the usual heartwarming thingys that need no elaboration simply because ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Hahaha serious, I guarantee we were annoying like crap because we laughed so much and so hard the people around us could just stare and wish they knew what was so funny. Throughout my 2 years in JC, I'm just glad to say I felt like we spent every moment together, hard times or easy ones. This is in spite of the fact that we are in two different schools, facing completely different problems and struggles. Our hearts though, are the same. :} CHEESY MUCH!
Anyway, food for thought: they say those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. So why do we care so much when we know it's all pointless to those who don't care?
Friday, November 11, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Even when i set myself on fire;
These days,
it becomes very easy to see who really cares;
it becomes effortless almost, to distinguish the ones who stay with you through thick and thin from those who walk away without turning back.
Oh but rest assured that you'll see them round when the tide clears.
So that's one experience I had best carve into my mind. Not so much for the latter, but for remembering those who are important, those who should always matter.
Tonight, the bitter reminder keeps ringing by my ears. Why mag why, do you stupidly send yourself there to be torn apart, once again? For gratitude, nothing more.
But always. That's always the reason. When can I ever make a clean break?
'A' levels in four days. Live and let God.
it becomes very easy to see who really cares;
it becomes effortless almost, to distinguish the ones who stay with you through thick and thin from those who walk away without turning back.
Oh but rest assured that you'll see them round when the tide clears.
So that's one experience I had best carve into my mind. Not so much for the latter, but for remembering those who are important, those who should always matter.
Tonight, the bitter reminder keeps ringing by my ears. Why mag why, do you stupidly send yourself there to be torn apart, once again? For gratitude, nothing more.
But always. That's always the reason. When can I ever make a clean break?
'A' levels in four days. Live and let God.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
But those are heartbeats on closed doors.
After yesterday, I finally thought it through and let go of the stupid miseries that have been weighing me down. Haha thank God! Indeed it is now much easier to focus and zoom in on the most important task at hand. :) That's not to say though, that I'm having a great time. If anything, I can't wait for the end of Nov to come- KOREA! Bwahaha first stop of my post-A's travelling destinations.
Hmm.. Then again, what about A levels itself?
During history consultation yesterday, our intelligent teacher got me thinking: really, what IS the whole point of the A level examinations? In the context of Singapore, or maybe even the world out there, we ought to be aiming for all the As and possibly Bs and a prestigious position in the course we desire. But who says those are the things which make us genuinely happy? Maybe for some, it made me wonder what I truly want.. And how about God's will for my life, does it even sound remotely familiar to me? We all tend to forget the process and look straight ahead to the results, and that's human nature. But I don't want to waste my life away worrying about the outcome and compromising on the joy that I could have attained from God's strength. God will never throw me trials too big to handle, but the thing is, will I willingly go through these tests without blaming Him for not making my life a bed of roses?
I thought deep and hard, and I came to a conclusion that all these uncertainties and stress I'm facing boil down to the very fact of existing expectations and what nots. Fear of letting them down, fear of..
Ok. Point made. Just saying!
OKAY ANYWAY HEHEHE,
I just cooked my own dinner today cos nobody's eating home and I didn't wanna eat porridge with my uncle haha. Proud to say, the fried (but not-so-fried) egg I cooked and brocolli were really yummy! (hahaha self-praise but too bad since nobody other than me tried it) Come to think about it, it's their loss LOL. My brother thinks I can't cook so.. ahhaa imma show him!
*my uncle laughing and standing at the side watching me cook: how you gonna cook for your boyfriend next time?
Grrr hahahaha but seriously, I'm still insisting that I can cook! Heehee and trust me, I'm so gonna be a great cooker after A's. Oh, I mean CHEF HAHA. :}
PS, the man utd game started mins ago and he was sitting on the sofa (with me beside him)
him: "hmm.. where got girls like soccer one."
me: *glare* hello, i'm a girl
"ya lor that's why"
HAHA ughhh I start to wonder if I'm actually giving off the wrong vibes. The friends are starting to treat me like a "bro".
OKAY ADIOS. This has been a nice break. :)
Hmm.. Then again, what about A levels itself?
During history consultation yesterday, our intelligent teacher got me thinking: really, what IS the whole point of the A level examinations? In the context of Singapore, or maybe even the world out there, we ought to be aiming for all the As and possibly Bs and a prestigious position in the course we desire. But who says those are the things which make us genuinely happy? Maybe for some, it made me wonder what I truly want.. And how about God's will for my life, does it even sound remotely familiar to me? We all tend to forget the process and look straight ahead to the results, and that's human nature. But I don't want to waste my life away worrying about the outcome and compromising on the joy that I could have attained from God's strength. God will never throw me trials too big to handle, but the thing is, will I willingly go through these tests without blaming Him for not making my life a bed of roses?
I thought deep and hard, and I came to a conclusion that all these uncertainties and stress I'm facing boil down to the very fact of existing expectations and what nots. Fear of letting them down, fear of..
Ok. Point made. Just saying!
OKAY ANYWAY HEHEHE,
I just cooked my own dinner today cos nobody's eating home and I didn't wanna eat porridge with my uncle haha. Proud to say, the fried (but not-so-fried) egg I cooked and brocolli were really yummy! (hahaha self-praise but too bad since nobody other than me tried it) Come to think about it, it's their loss LOL. My brother thinks I can't cook so.. ahhaa imma show him!
*my uncle laughing and standing at the side watching me cook: how you gonna cook for your boyfriend next time?
Grrr hahahaha but seriously, I'm still insisting that I can cook! Heehee and trust me, I'm so gonna be a great cooker after A's. Oh, I mean CHEF HAHA. :}
PS, the man utd game started mins ago and he was sitting on the sofa (with me beside him)
him: "hmm.. where got girls like soccer one."
me: *glare* hello, i'm a girl
"ya lor that's why"
HAHA ughhh I start to wonder if I'm actually giving off the wrong vibes. The friends are starting to treat me like a "bro".
OKAY ADIOS. This has been a nice break. :)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
But don't run out of your faith.
On the way home from another day ending, drawing me closer to the start of November, and of A's, I felt so overwhelmed, so small and so dispirited. I had to turn to something, something I had with me, something to help me fight against the negativity. I read the text again today, and it pulled on my heartstrings as much as it did the first time I woke up to it 2 weeks ago. The gratitude that filled me, the guilt, the expectations, hope, love, belief, assurance, and so much more that I can't describe with words alone. But at this point of time, I'm really uncertain. Of myself, of.. everything. I know you think I can do it, and I have to do it, but reality is I may not be as capable as you think me to be :( But I'll do my best, and I'll pray that I can do it with God's grace. For you, for me, for us, for God.
I felt like I a whole day of Winter in the Library today. But all's good because it's the first time I studied for 8 hours straight without any distractions, yet I have to come to be face in face with reality, the reality that I'm insufficient, still. Very much so. Say, there's less than 2 weeks? Did I feel this unprepared for 'O's? Part of me wish I did, so the outcome would seem less pessimistic. But really, if I've done all I could, there's nothing more I can do but to let go and let God. So, why am I worrying? Maybe it's just cos I haven't put in enough...
I felt like I a whole day of Winter in the Library today. But all's good because it's the first time I studied for 8 hours straight without any distractions, yet I have to come to be face in face with reality, the reality that I'm insufficient, still. Very much so. Say, there's less than 2 weeks? Did I feel this unprepared for 'O's? Part of me wish I did, so the outcome would seem less pessimistic. But really, if I've done all I could, there's nothing more I can do but to let go and let God. So, why am I worrying? Maybe it's just cos I haven't put in enough...
Friday, October 21, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I hope for better in November
Hi, God has been good to me. :)
No, I'm not doing well in my studies by any standards.
No, I'm not having the time of my life.
No, I don't feel adequate for A's, not at all.
No, I'm not as understanding or as patient or as sacrificial as I would like to think myself to be.
But God has been good to me.
In so many ways.
Small, subtle reminders of His graciousness in my everyday life. :)
Lately I've been spamming History essays after essays, consultations after consultations. I feel like my other subjects are screaming for my attention. Haha okay but hello dear Maths Econs GP and CSE, I'm not wonderwoman, I need to start with my weakest subject and that's none other than History. :( But I promise I'll come to you soon, like, now. After this. Haha okay, madwoman alert here.................
(Sorry this happens when I have nobody to hear me rant. :'( )
Anyway, History consultations have been really useful for me and trust me, I'm just glad I realised how much I need them. The teacher really encourages me a lot, not by mere words, but by his affirmation of my improvement and progress, and his perception that I'm actually quite insightful hehehehe! Maybe it's a big deal to me because I rarely sound intellectual to my friends. :( HAHA. But I guess the main point is, I really thank the Lord for constant strength and grace and love, for I know I can never come so far without Him, nor can I continue pressing on with my own ability. I am weak but He is strong!
Praying for God's continual grace to carry me through. I'm scared, so scared to my bones... but I know this fear cannot stop me from anything if I have God with me. And for all of you out there, we have 20 days and no matter how bleak everything seems, just keep calm and trust God. Heehee, but remember to study too lahhhh! :}
November let's be good friends! :-)
We can travel together, re-watch 10 seasons of Friends, sit and stone at Starbucks all day long with the crazy peeps(friends), have stayovers, read 10 books in 1 week, play Basketball like I own the court(bwahahha), go to the movies like it's free, prepare Christmas cards in advance which you always leave to December anywaysss, linger around in Church like there's no tomorrow, talk on the phone with friends over the most insignificant or significant events that happened in the day,week,month,year, travel again, learn the piano, learn Spanish,........ omg MAG GO STUDY. Kthxbye.
And after all is said and done, I guess it's back to a square one..
Maybe that is a good thing after all, it sets us free.
But maybe, I just need someone to listen. Full, undivided attention, seconds and hours of listening to what my inner heart is shouting out aloud, which no one hears. To listen, is that too much to ask for? From the way things are looking... perhaps it is too much.
No, I'm not doing well in my studies by any standards.
No, I'm not having the time of my life.
No, I don't feel adequate for A's, not at all.
No, I'm not as understanding or as patient or as sacrificial as I would like to think myself to be.
But God has been good to me.
In so many ways.
Small, subtle reminders of His graciousness in my everyday life. :)
Lately I've been spamming History essays after essays, consultations after consultations. I feel like my other subjects are screaming for my attention. Haha okay but hello dear Maths Econs GP and CSE, I'm not wonderwoman, I need to start with my weakest subject and that's none other than History. :( But I promise I'll come to you soon, like, now. After this. Haha okay, madwoman alert here.................
(Sorry this happens when I have nobody to hear me rant. :'( )
Anyway, History consultations have been really useful for me and trust me, I'm just glad I realised how much I need them. The teacher really encourages me a lot, not by mere words, but by his affirmation of my improvement and progress, and his perception that I'm actually quite insightful hehehehe! Maybe it's a big deal to me because I rarely sound intellectual to my friends. :( HAHA. But I guess the main point is, I really thank the Lord for constant strength and grace and love, for I know I can never come so far without Him, nor can I continue pressing on with my own ability. I am weak but He is strong!
Praying for God's continual grace to carry me through. I'm scared, so scared to my bones... but I know this fear cannot stop me from anything if I have God with me. And for all of you out there, we have 20 days and no matter how bleak everything seems, just keep calm and trust God. Heehee, but remember to study too lahhhh! :}
November let's be good friends! :-)
We can travel together, re-watch 10 seasons of Friends, sit and stone at Starbucks all day long with the crazy peeps(friends), have stayovers, read 10 books in 1 week, play Basketball like I own the court(bwahahha), go to the movies like it's free, prepare Christmas cards in advance which you always leave to December anywaysss, linger around in Church like there's no tomorrow, talk on the phone with friends over the most insignificant or significant events that happened in the day,week,month,year, travel again, learn the piano, learn Spanish,........ omg MAG GO STUDY. Kthxbye.
And after all is said and done, I guess it's back to a square one..
Maybe that is a good thing after all, it sets us free.
But maybe, I just need someone to listen. Full, undivided attention, seconds and hours of listening to what my inner heart is shouting out aloud, which no one hears. To listen, is that too much to ask for? From the way things are looking... perhaps it is too much.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)